loneliness..

loneliness is the path that leads to destructiveness.  as each moment passes, each second builds on the last with a weight that's compounding so quickly i feel as if my bones will disintegrate.  the only way to escape it is to keep moving, but is it my fate to become intimate with the one person i wish i wasn't?  i'm not ready to love myself, so i start to run.  faster and faster.  my lungs ache with longing to simply stop, but life is clicking right on my heels and i'm not sure i'll survive the crash that is sure to ensue.  i can no longer feel my feet, but i hear the rhythm of one foot falling in front of the next.  it's easier to distract myself with a fleeting moment of hope than to sit back and swim through the broken glass i've shattered in my wake.  in a desperate attempt to regain control i lace my fingers through the first they come in contact with.  i'll figure the rest out as soon as i can see straight.  the sun peeks over the horizon with a soft pink and blue that screams "it's a new day."  its subtle taunting makes my heart pound out of my chest and flashes of a thought that says "burn it all down" is almost enough to make me spark the match.  but a moment of clarity swoops down like a harsh wind that takes your breath away.  destructiveness is the symptom of a broken heart, the little girl lashing out because she wants to feel okay.  what to give up in the name of love is still something i'm learning.  but for right now, i'm basking in gratitude for another moment to make the right choice. loneliness is a lie, so don't give in to her whispers that it'll hurt less if you light it all on fire.

room to room.

i occupy the space we call home, filled with all the memories of things i love, yet i feel alone.  i walk from room to room trying to remember why all of these things mattered so much, but instead i feel as though i am navigating a painful present that i don't quite know how to deal with.  i flip through my phone and find photos of us and i look happy, yet somehow it feels like such a distant reality.  a reality i bare witness to but don't internalize as my own.  i'm waiting for the film to run out or the lights to flicker to let me in on the sad joke that this is all for naught.  but that day has yet to come.  so the shift has to satisfy the need to want more and know that it's destined to be what it will be.  there are so many things i want to do, and so many places i want to see... but the truth is i only want it with you.  so as i walk room to room reminiscing i am reminded i'm in love.  that in and of itself is a reason to keep pacing.   

weight of the world.

the weight of the world is a lot to bare.  as i look out into the onslaught of human robots rummaging on their phones and floating from one passing moment to the next it grows heavier and heavier.  everyone is so lost in their digital desires that they fail to confront the fleeting moments that are not slowing down for you, or anyone else.  we are fed headlines and false facts and expected to make rational decisions yet no one lives in a present reality.  it's no wonder the children with beautiful imagination are trying to break down the barricades that protect out futile facade.  the weight of the world is a lot to bare... if you're doing it alone.  so as we watch each other crumble under the immense pressure, let's acknowledge we matter and try to change the tide of selfishness before it's too late. 

silently.

i have spent so many nights silently sobbing.  there's something that feels too intrusive, or possibly even rude, to disrupt the peace that flows so freely when the rest of the world is quiet.  it takes every ounce of will power to imprison the never ending thoughts that threaten to escape and cause a cacophony of echoes as the words bounce off of the bare walls.  surely the building will quake and the world will know, and that is when i'll be embarrassed of the very vulnerable position i have found myself in.  i dream of a world without suffering, but that's not the human experience.  so as we do our best to brandish a smile and pretend all is well, remember that the world spares no one and maybe your pain is exactly what someone else needs to know they're never alone. 

confused.

i wake up and look around like a sly stranger that doesn't recognize my own life.  i can recall the moments and i remember the memories, yet somehow they feel like i didn't make them, as if they don't actually belong to me.  it's an odd feeling, feeling like you don't belong to yourself.  it's a constant questioning and mistrust of everything you think is real.  what we share is special, i know we're meant to share this earth experience together.  yet somehow misery meddles and misleads and we find ourselves lost in translation wanting to call out and say "i'm sorry" and "i love you" and letting all the pain fall away.  because that's what you do for me.  you lift up my chin and you look me in the eyes and without saying anything, you say it all.  you create just enough space for a sliver of unrelenting hope to shine through.  so as the battle wages on, know the truth is all i want is for my lips to find yours and peace to purify this momentary misuse of unattainable time. 

misremembered.

i tried to convince myself my memories were misremembered.  it eased the distance and settled my emotions into a state of even keel, and it felt nice to be able to breathe.  but the moment i saw you again my breath left my body; the way it does when stung by the freezing cold of a winter night.  it startled me, sending me tripping through the anticipation of when i could feel your arms around me again. 

fear.

fear drives me every single day.  as i fight to open my eyes and find the faith and courage to get out of bed, sometimes i just... can't.  but this cyclical roundabout is nothing but a ride that i've been on far too many times.  sometimes my thoughts are so loud i pray that all i hear is the hammering of the rain on the pavement or the traffic roaring past on the highway so as to focus my mind on something else... anything else.  my memories make me crazy as i retrace every moment, slowly murdering myself for the words i didn't say, and on occasion the ones i did.  i've been fearful to put my pen to paper and exploit my thoughts because i don't want everyone to know just how deep it all goes.  down the rabbit hole of hopeless days followed by long nights, reignited by glimmers of success.  my dreams mean more to me than you will ever know, and i grasp them with desperate fingers as fear tries to pull them back one by one.  but my dreams mean too much for me to lose the war and let them go.  so i get up to fight my fears another day.  this rocky road has never been what i imagined it should be, but i've always adapted to the realization that it's exactly as it's supposed to be.  thank you, fear, for making me uncomfortable, and constantly elevating creativity.