not yet ready.

the funny thing is, i know how to love you but i have no idea how to love me.  i know your favorite color, and the face you make when you're trying to hide your excitement.  i know when you're happy, and especially when you're not.  i know what your favorite food is and how to hold you when you want to give up.  but i have no idea how to love me.  on the nights i spend alone, i lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering why i feel like there's someone lying with me that i know nothing about.  a stranger who doesn't belong.  if i close my eyes i'm certain i'll be confronted with the face of someone i'm not yet ready to know, but if i leave my eyes open i am awkwardly aware of the being that desires to be acknowledged.  so just keep moving.  if i don't stand still long enough for my innocence to catch me, i'll never have to protect me from myself. 

all there is.

sometimes i wake up and forget who i am.  i drift around my memories for a moment trying to remember.  it's an endless journey into a dream filled phenomenon.  beautiful colors fly by, emotions emanate through me, and then it all falls black.  in the depths of the darkness i try to picture myself, but all i can see is a vibrant blur of ideas.  the essence of my soul is the only thing i recognize.
                               you give me perspective.  you reflect back to me the parts of me i cannot see.  sometimes i wish i could crawl into your eyes and make a home there, just for a brief moment.  "lend me your eyes so i can see myself," i think.  if you see me the way i think you do, then maybe it's time to stop pretending this is all there is.  

away.

in the silence of my room, i close my eyes and i can hear the rise and fall of your chest.  your heart beats a beautiful rhythm that lulls my racing mind into a state of surrender.  i swear i can feel your fingers find mine beneath the blanket.  my imagination recreates the perfect moment between sleep and awake where the morning sun breaks softly across your peaceful face.  to avoid the rude interruption of the bustling day before us, i burrow myself in the space between your neck and hold my breath lying motionless.  maybe the day won't notice us.  maybe time will stand still for just a few more hours.  perhaps it's wishful thinking.  until then, i'll keep trying to lay in your arms as often as possible, absorbing your aura so i don't miss you quite so much while you're away. 

words like weapons.

you take for granted the gravitas of your words.  i can tell by the passion pouring from your eyes that what's about to tumble from your lips might be the end of me.  bracing for impact, each syllable singes my skin.  if you truly knew how much you meant to me, you'd never wield your words like weapons.  there'd be no need. but your reality is your truth, and i've tried time and time again to shift your gaze.  yet here i am, banging my head against the wall trying to prove i'm not who you tell me i am.  why does it feel like i've retreated back to the third grade?  letting the big bully hurl hateful rhetoric in my direction in an effort to what... that i'm still not sure.  wasn't sure back then either.  i'm exhausted by the dance i'm doing to dodge the incoming blows.  then a moment of peace passes through me.  compassion.  empathy.  compassion.  the only trait that really separates us from most beasts.  "to suffer with."  hm.  think on that.  so i swallow my pride, and allow myself to feel your pain.  i digest it, and, in some form, understand it.  i'm not sure it makes a difference, but somehow in my soul i know it needs to be recognized.  after the dust has settled, leaving the coating of a soft translucent memory, i see nothing but a little boy who needs more love than i may know how to give.  it's not my job to love everyone, but i think it is my job to love you.  the unconditional way. 

i wish i would've known.

i wish i would've known from the start the way you'd make me feel.   the highs are the highest but the lows are something i never expected.  i never expected to look into your eyes and find peace.  now i'm fiending for a fix.  i'm hoping for a sliver of stillness in the quiet of your quarters.  i can't tell where we're headed.  i'm not really sure where it even all began.  but i'm swimming in the middle of the ocean with no sign of the shore.  i want to sink away into the sureness of tomorrow, but that's a gift you're not willing to give.  so i'll breathe in the salty air, and let go of what was never mine to begin with. 

left behind.

i was staring out your window making wishes on the stars that littered the light polluted sky.  it was raining, and the stop light turned green - yellow - red - green - yellow - red.  i closed my eyes and could still see the colors dancing on the wet pavement.  the water rushed along the gutter below taking with it everything that wasn't meant to be left behind.  
                                we were left behind.  
i could feel your eyes on me as you moved around my mind like magic.  i tried my best to hide the silly smile you've permanently put on my face, but there was no fighting the fact that you'd found your way toward my soul.  a rush of heat warmed me from the inside, and i knew in an instant you weren't what i expected.  i finally mustered the courage to face you.  your eyes reflected the moonlight and dreams you brought here with you.  
                     without a word i knew what you meant.  
so here we stand facing one another with the hint of hope.  we're all wrong and the timing is bad, but maybe one day we'll find the desire to dig deep and give this the chance it deserves.  until then i'll smile because i know you like no one else does, and you'll shake my soul with your honesty.  at least it's real.  
                       i'm not sure i'd want it any other way.

blush.

you tapped my forehead and asked me to let you get to know my thoughts.  it's not that i don't want to share that space with you, it's really a matter of i don't know how.  and a little of i'm not ready.  i'd like nothing more than to be seen, and not just bare naked, but in a way where you can see how all my molecules work together.  but it requires a set of words that i just don't know.  so instead you watch as my eyes dart back and forth with color and music and magic, yet all you can do is admire from afar.  you make me blush.  i don't know how.  i know your words are not unique, but somehow still i'm swooped up in the honesty of your delivery.  the heat blossoms across my face and the rose pink fades through my olive skin.  it's been a while since someone has been able to make me do that.  you put your arm around me, somehow it works even though we don't fit.  so my first thought is "i'm left with a boy who makes me blush and we don't quite fit."  stop staring at my soul, it makes me nervous.