i am loved.

i've been holding my breath for so long now that my thinking is clouded by insecurities, and reality is now altered by moving pictures which i can no longer delineate as fact or fiction.  regardless of their validity, it all begins to feel real.  i have become prisoner to my mind and over active imagination.  when i close my eyes, the pictures pick up pace and begin to flash brighter and more vividly.  i can't escape.  there's no way to turn this movie off, playing on repeat in my head.  if left to my own devices i'm surely doomed.  it's out of my control and no longer up to me.  maybe it never was.  i feel abandoned and alone.  tears drip into an open wound and the salt stings with each drop.  my body hits bottom with a loud thud that rings incessantly through my ears.  my brain jolts, silence.  i am not alone, and i am not without choices.  i look up into the sun and am blinded by the truth.  i feel His presence, and in that moment i know i am loved. 

a healing.

a healing can only begin once the recognition that something is broken occurs.  the crack is longer and finer than you ever could've imagined, and you try to cover it up with pretty fake smiles and long batting eyelashes.  that glue isn't routed in the truth, therefore will only hold for as long as you can keep up the act.  unfortunately, most people don't care enough to know the real you, the stuff that makes you crazy, or laugh, or love.  but when you find someone who does they have the power to destroy you.  they hold a pin in their tongue, and as they speak it begins to unknowingly poke at our safe, contained bubble.  eventually, you open up enough and their words become dangerously more potent, things you had stored away in the darkness of your memories begins to creep forward.  vivid flashbacks.  flooding emotions.  a re-wiring begins in the brain, and a complete sense of being out of control stings anxiety through the body.  tears begin to glide down your cheek, and soon a consistent, calm stream has made a home there.  in those moments when you are brought to face your fears, to heal, you look to the sky and scream out with graciousness.  you are not alone.  you never have been.  you realize, in that moment, that you never would've made it out alive without His love.  and it's in that moment, between sharp breaths and wild weeping a warmth surrounds your heart reminding you it's not over.  it's just the beginning of an even brighter light to shine from within.  the crack begins to have support, and the proper work is done to create a foundation that can never be broken again. 

take a deep breath.  i repeat this mantra over and over in my head.  as i exhale, i make room for God to fill my soul.  i was so full of toxic energy i wasn't able to find the real guidance i was seeking.  everything i felt i was missing is suddenly filled with the love of Christ.  i feel the muscles in my back begin to relax, and blood starts flowing its course in my matrix of veins.  warmth fills my body, and the color purple drains from my lips.  oxygen nourishes my body, and i begin to feel my soul return to its satisfied state.  this is what happens when i try to do it all on my own.  i forget i don't have to.  i forget my role as a daughter.  i forget that i'm a daddy's girl, for the first time in my life.  i begin to weep.  tears drip down my soft cheek.  these tears are a very real physical reaction to God's love.  He brings me to my knees again.  i am human.  i weep for hours as my mortality rings through by bones.  the tears cleanse my soul as i have asked for help, and it has showed up, as it always does.  LOVE is the definition of God.  and i love with all my might. 

a quote.

this quote spurred a thought and a movement within my soul.  it struck a chord that resonated through my whole body, and made an appearance in my actions.  

"people who need love the most, are those who deserve it the least"

faith.

faith is part of who we are.  it's based around our opinions or beliefs, about one thing or another, that provide us with a spine, a foundation.  when we are solid in our beliefs it's easy to have faith.  when we're not sure what we believe, it's difficult to lose track of the truth.  i sit here in a peculiar situation, trying to make the best of it.  i decided to put pen to paper.  i have invested trust and faith in someone who may not be who they say.  it's the same sad song we've all heard play on repeat, i just never thought it would happen in such a way to myself.  luckily i'm not walking this path alone, and have the love of a man who will walk with me no matter the weather.  at the end of the day, when i crawl into the unfamiliar bed, i have the well-known warmth of his body next to mine, his arms wrapped around me and my heart, protecting both from the darkness.  so whatever presents itself in the future does not have power over my my happiness.  i have faith in who i am, and the people closest to me.  i have faith that God has a plan, and whatever tomorrow brings, is exactly what is supposed to show up.  as long as i have faith in my hopes and my dreams, there isn't anyone who will stand between me and destiny. 

a respect.

respect is a funny thing.  the tenderness of a heart is easily hardened over time.  words lash out that tear deep gashes right through the center.  it takes time to heal.  nursing it carefully, with a prayer that it returns to as good as new.  it seems that all i ask in life is to be respected.  it seems so simple, yet it also tends to be the tallest order i can ask for.  when i'm wounded i set high expectations.  i feel vulnerable and exposed.  i wish with all my might that someone notice my bleeding heart.  i inspect the damage and a faint scar glistens against the light.  it's a reminder of the pain i once suffered.  i walk the world once again, to be greeted by another disappointment... eventually.  and the cycle goes on, and on, and on, and on.  i find comfort in the routine.  someone who cares enough to point it out, reminds me that it doesn't have to be that way.  respect.  if i expect respect, it appears that i have to always be willing to offer it.  to love and honor any who cross my path.  sometimes i find it the most difficult task i could ever be asked to complete.  yet, the satisfaction of loving someone who needs it more than myself is the highest reward i could ever receive.  i choose love. 

the big picture.

the big picture is always slightly out of focus.  i often find myself staring off into the future trying to make out what is in front of me.  a heavy haze settles begrudgingly in front of my eyes obscuring my vision.  the clear picture is always floating a little too far away.  having faith that i'm moving in the right direction, and doing all that i can is what pushes me forward and through the tough days.  i reach out in an attempt to catch my future, and my fingertips lightly brush something and i swear my dreams have materialized.  when anxiety waltzes into my life, i take a deep breath and slow things down.  i close my eyes.  i smile.  i inhale a fresh start.  when the heart is involved with each decision, and each step forward there is no possibility for error.  there is no wrong.  it's the beauty of falling in love with life.  it's the spectacular event of discovering a passion that drives you to get up in the mornings.  i have learned to love who i am, and also what i do.  i am the best i know how to be, and with each day work to be a little bit better.  i know that with dedication, time, and love my dreams will be nurtured into realities.  it's this internal faith, this undying devotion to expression that allows me to put my heart on the line.