in reflection to another passing year.

the clock strikes 8 pm, another year has passed.  

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! how do you feel?" he asks.  

"well, the same but different?" i reply.  

birthdays are a funny thing.  they are meant to be a celebration, but the past 365 days have been so life altering and so amazing that it's hard to make time or put forth more effort to pretend this day is more special than the rest.  yet there is still a feeling of loss.  loss of time.  loss of youth.  it's not that i'm old, or far behind, or not where i should be... because i have faith i'm always where i'm supposed to be at any given moment... but there's just "something" that doesn't feel quite right.  i scold myself for being anything but happy, and remind myself just to be grateful for all that i do have.  and then it hits me like a ton of bricks dropped on my head.  it's my birthday.  it's the day i was brought into existence to be part of something bigger than myself.  in one year i have experienced: heartbreak, new relationships, falling in love, making new friends - the kind you search a lifetime for, anger, frustration, bliss, hope, darkness... there wasn't an experience i was spared in the last year, from april 27th, 2015 to april 27th, 2016.  and how lucky am i.  though it's not always sunshine and rainbows i draw air into my lungs and exhale hope into my dreams everyday... and for that i will always be proud.  i sit for hours and laugh and talk shit with my friends and family. i smile because my sister is my best friend.  i cry when something makes me sad.  i cry when i'm with my 'wave women' because we love each other and life so freaking much we can't help ourselves.  i pray for the homeless people on the streets who are so strung out they don't even acknowledge my existence.  i beam when he looks at me in that way only someone in love does.  i hold hands with my friends in pain, and they hold mine when i don't want to get out of bed that day.  i am so beyond blessed on this birthday that i want to tell each of you who contribute to the memories that make up my life thank you.  it's that simple.  without you, i am not me.  thank you to God, my amazing mother, my sister, my brother, my boyfriend, my best friends, my acquaintances, my teachers, the strangers who work at the grocery stores... THANK YOU. i am the most loved and cherished little munch on the planet, and that's simply because i opened my eyes and said yes to all the blessings that exist in this life.  perhaps, this is what they mean when they say older and wiser.  it's nothing more than a shift in perspective that invites you to see the world through the most beautiful lens. 

anxious.

i can't... i can't... i can't... stop the words from racing around my head.  i watch them run circles, but they're moving so fast i'm unable to read what they're trying to say.  tricky tricksters if you ask me.  distractions of the worst kind.  down the rabbit hole they say.  no thanks i reply.  but they're insistent.  they're inescapable.  close my eyes, i think, that will help.  wrong.  in the darkness more and more words begin to flash in front of my closed eyelids.  okay, i surrender.  all at once a flood of ideas, inspirations, and doubts come crashing into my consciousness.  where to begin?  overwhelmed.  the list keeps growing longer.  i can do that.  great.  no problem.  yup.  well shit.  no not that.  ugh.  really?  okay.  i can't.  in the silence of the dark i scream out.  it's earth shattering to me as i disturb the sleeping night.  anxiety is vibrating through me as my limbs begin to tremble.  so.  much.  to.  do.  it's the middle of the night, i can't get started til morning.  not an option, do it now.  my shaky hands grab the computer and try to type.  this isn't working.  sometimes my mind doesn't belong to me.  perhaps it's my body.  either way efficiency is out of the question.  "i tried," i think as frustration slams the computer screen shut.  blackness.  quiet.  even if it's just for a split second, i revel in it.  

beautiful something.

i could sit and watch you think for hours.  every thought that enters your mind lights you up from the inside.  each one becomes committed to memory with vibrant colors that explode in front of your eyes.  my imagination runs wild, and i'm transfixed by the way your brain works.  i watch the empty space in front of your lips become a beautiful something with every word you splash into the open air.  i wish i saw the world the way you do.  by the time you finish your sentence the image focuses and i'm finally able to see what you see.  i almost feel like i should look away it's so unique,  your secret.  your gaze meets mine and i realize you want me to soak in the scenery, though it's not something you share often.  i could get used to this, letting you paint me pictures of how you see the world.