a dose of anxiety.

if i've ever assaulted you with silence, as you stare at me blankly waiting for the words to wind their way out of my mouth here is why. 

as you ask me a simple, but emotional, question it goes off like a bomb in my ears.  i'm disoriented and the fragmented words that were hanging around scatter.  "come back," i think, that's what i want to say.  and on repeat i hear my voice scream them over and over, yet every time i go to open my mouth to let them out i feel the invisible wire of anxiety pull my teeth closer together.  it's a vice grip and the harder i fight it the less likely i am to say anything at all.  my face gets hot and the heat radiates electrically through me, as your eyes penetrate my soul with every passing millisecond that feels like an eternity.  i stutter and stammer as i beg my body to just listen to my mind, but it doesn't.  so instead tears start to well up and i watch as you roll your eyes in exasperation.  and in that moment it all goes black.  there's an incessant ringing and my hands shake as i try to regain a sense of reality.  but as quickly as it started, it's over for me.  so i retreat and hide hoping to bounce back fast enough that the not so big problem doesn't blow up into a bigger one, but it's rarely fast enough.  so i deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces and hope you're patient enough to wait.

so if you find me staring at you, it's not that i don't care or have thoughts or things i'd like to say.  it's just a step in the process of the war that wages within before i can even deal with what stands in front of me.  so i'm sorry.  i know it's not easy.  but i do thank you for loving me enough to stand by.