in reflection to another passing year.

the clock strikes 8 pm, another year has passed.  

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! how do you feel?" he asks.  

"well, the same but different?" i reply.  

birthdays are a funny thing.  they are meant to be a celebration, but the past 365 days have been so life altering and so amazing that it's hard to make time or put forth more effort to pretend this day is more special than the rest.  yet there is still a feeling of loss.  loss of time.  loss of youth.  it's not that i'm old, or far behind, or not where i should be... because i have faith i'm always where i'm supposed to be at any given moment... but there's just "something" that doesn't feel quite right.  i scold myself for being anything but happy, and remind myself just to be grateful for all that i do have.  and then it hits me like a ton of bricks dropped on my head.  it's my birthday.  it's the day i was brought into existence to be part of something bigger than myself.  in one year i have experienced: heartbreak, new relationships, falling in love, making new friends - the kind you search a lifetime for, anger, frustration, bliss, hope, darkness... there wasn't an experience i was spared in the last year, from april 27th, 2015 to april 27th, 2016.  and how lucky am i.  though it's not always sunshine and rainbows i draw air into my lungs and exhale hope into my dreams everyday... and for that i will always be proud.  i sit for hours and laugh and talk shit with my friends and family. i smile because my sister is my best friend.  i cry when something makes me sad.  i cry when i'm with my 'wave women' because we love each other and life so freaking much we can't help ourselves.  i pray for the homeless people on the streets who are so strung out they don't even acknowledge my existence.  i beam when he looks at me in that way only someone in love does.  i hold hands with my friends in pain, and they hold mine when i don't want to get out of bed that day.  i am so beyond blessed on this birthday that i want to tell each of you who contribute to the memories that make up my life thank you.  it's that simple.  without you, i am not me.  thank you to God, my amazing mother, my sister, my brother, my boyfriend, my best friends, my acquaintances, my teachers, the strangers who work at the grocery stores... THANK YOU. i am the most loved and cherished little munch on the planet, and that's simply because i opened my eyes and said yes to all the blessings that exist in this life.  perhaps, this is what they mean when they say older and wiser.  it's nothing more than a shift in perspective that invites you to see the world through the most beautiful lens. 

anxious.

i can't... i can't... i can't... stop the words from racing around my head.  i watch them run circles, but they're moving so fast i'm unable to read what they're trying to say.  tricky tricksters if you ask me.  distractions of the worst kind.  down the rabbit hole they say.  no thanks i reply.  but they're insistent.  they're inescapable.  close my eyes, i think, that will help.  wrong.  in the darkness more and more words begin to flash in front of my closed eyelids.  okay, i surrender.  all at once a flood of ideas, inspirations, and doubts come crashing into my consciousness.  where to begin?  overwhelmed.  the list keeps growing longer.  i can do that.  great.  no problem.  yup.  well shit.  no not that.  ugh.  really?  okay.  i can't.  in the silence of the dark i scream out.  it's earth shattering to me as i disturb the sleeping night.  anxiety is vibrating through me as my limbs begin to tremble.  so.  much.  to.  do.  it's the middle of the night, i can't get started til morning.  not an option, do it now.  my shaky hands grab the computer and try to type.  this isn't working.  sometimes my mind doesn't belong to me.  perhaps it's my body.  either way efficiency is out of the question.  "i tried," i think as frustration slams the computer screen shut.  blackness.  quiet.  even if it's just for a split second, i revel in it.  

beautiful something.

i could sit and watch you think for hours.  every thought that enters your mind lights you up from the inside.  each one becomes committed to memory with vibrant colors that explode in front of your eyes.  my imagination runs wild, and i'm transfixed by the way your brain works.  i watch the empty space in front of your lips become a beautiful something with every word you splash into the open air.  i wish i saw the world the way you do.  by the time you finish your sentence the image focuses and i'm finally able to see what you see.  i almost feel like i should look away it's so unique,  your secret.  your gaze meets mine and i realize you want me to soak in the scenery, though it's not something you share often.  i could get used to this, letting you paint me pictures of how you see the world. 

it's exactly as it should be.

there's something about you that makes me smile. 

an ignition of inspiration, or the gentle shiver you send through me as you run your fingers up and down my spine.  a feeling most long for yet somehow it sparks so easily between us.  i guess that's a bit concerning, the idea of feeling.  i'd been comfortably numb for so long it seemed almost a desperate act to undo what had already been done. 

but i opened my eyes, and there you were.  you were staring through me, silent.  your never ending thoughts started to swirl like dust and i could feel the heat rise to my face.  a telepathic alien language that belonged to outer space danced its way into my brain, but i understood it, and realized it was ours. 

as suddenly as it began, it felt normal.  it felt like it was always supposed to feel this way.  maybe it's too soon, and maybe it's dramatic, or maybe sometimes it's exactly as it should be.   

in the night.

again, the seconds tick by like hours.  it's the never ending game of hurry up and wait.  waiting for the hit to come in the form of a message that will illuminate the dark room.  the issue with that is even if said wish were to come true, it's devoid of anything real that could potentially mend the pieces that are falling apart.  you kids these days.  yeah, us kids these days.  dreams and desires, but not willing to put in the long hard hours and years and moments that accumulate into something great.  pause.  okay i guess some of us are.  back to the point.  i'm waiting.  but what am i waiting on.  something different that's for sure.  we make our own destinies.  i don't know about that.  but we have choices, that's a fact.  here it comes again - red hot passion that pours out of my eyes and burns a path down my cheek.  i can't help it, sometimes it's all i've got.  the tears pump directly from the dust that remains in the hole where my heart used to be.  sad.  sure.  forgiven.  definitely.  hopeful.  that's the key.  finding faith and remaining hopeful.  so as the hours pass on into the night, and the delirium settles like a heavy veil over my eyes i don't fear the future.  i surrender.  as soon as that happens a gentle peacefulness passes through me.  as the dawn breaks, the weight of the world disappears with the black back into the night.  i made it, through another night's waiting.  perhaps i'll get it right today, but if not - at least i can try again tomorrow.  

2015. journeying.

journey.
     to take flight into an endless blue sky with no clear understanding of where you may land.  to close your eyes and make the jump without checking there is a safe place beneath you.  to fall.  on purpose.  so that there is a possibility to get back up and try again.  inspiration.

inspiration. 
     this is what inspiration is to me.  we claim to be inspired by events and people and things and talent all the time.  but to be inspired is paralleled with action.  to be set in motion, to start to accomplish something... anything.  it's without inspiration and without movement that we become complacent.  hopeless.

hopeless.
     to live with no light.  
sometimes the comfortability of how we know to survive is easier than moving beyond it.  disappointment is something we know.  struggle is something we know.  and the things we know comfort us.  but how do we un-do the years and years of surviving.  it's the journey of moving beyond this that is the most difficult journey of all.  love.

love.
     the only thing strong enough to combat the mountain ahead.  a thoughtful word from a stranger that penetrates so deeply into your heart, you find the strength to climb to the next ridge.  the journey is the destination.  is yours worth walking?

i am willing.

i have tried to write.  putting pen to paper has been harder than it normally is.  the insight into my soul is resistant to share its inner workings.  but my conscience has forced rigorous honesty to pry open the doors to my heart.  a deadly demon is dancing a dance next to the fire it has set in my chest; the flames are burning me alive.  chaos.  i love it.  my drug of choice, if you will.  i feel the pain coursing through me, but i welcome it.  it's familiar.  i've been here before, and that seems to be more comforting than anything else in the world.  the smoke has fogged my vision, the clear sight i once had is engulfed in confusion.  and then.  silence.  the scariest noise i've ever heard.  it screams so loudly in my head i try to escape myself.  but there's no way out.  as i'm sure i'm about to die, i hear His voice.  i surrender.  i am willing.  i am grateful for one more chance to get it right.  like a snake, i shed my skin of denial.  i feel the warmth of the sun for the first time.  i am naked in my embarrassment.  a hope is born that rages so violently i might explode, and i'm not sure what to do with it.  i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but i don't recognize that it's me.  i begin to weep.  i have never really seen myself before.  i had never taken off the years of make up that i've used to hide myself away.  as the tears wash away the film that has distorted my vision, life comes fully into focus.  not the life i had created, but the life that truly exists before me.  i take one step forward.  it's all i can muster.  but it's one step closer to who i'm supposed to be.