movement.

as the days draw to a close, and the moon shines high above our heads, i am excited to drift off into dream land and let my imagination run rampant while my body restores itself for the oncoming hours of sunlight.  everyday there is some struggle, yet everyday there is some miracle to match.  we try to create patterns and find stability in routine, yet the moments that affect us the most are usually unplanned and a complete surprise.  you were unplanned and a complete surprise.  all the hours that have accumulated getting to know you, yet in this instance i feel as though you're someone i've just barely been allowed to understand.  somehow in the distance that's wedged its way between us, a trust has grown.  perhaps it doesn't feel like every decision holds the weight of the world anymore.  i slide one step further, and i can see the ice is growing very thin.  the crisp cutting cold of the sleepless water beneath my feet dances dangerously, reminding me of the fierce fate flowing directly below.  but when i take my eyes off my fear, and put them on you the roaring rush falls away and a subtle silence replaces it.  one step at a time.  not too much pressure.  carefully and meticulously travel in the direction of your dream.  so i keep my eyes ahead, and my body begins to ease its way into an unpredictable yet consistent forward motion, knowing one day i will be part of your promise. 

alone, but not lonely.

i am alone, but i'm not lonely.  i was never sure i'd understand what that meant, but now i do.  the task of loving myself is still work, but i stand here breathing in the nervous butterflies of a brilliantly bright future with no plans.  for the first time, i am asking me to love myself.  not just parts of myself, all of myself.  i have loved many with all of my heart and soul, and i'd like to do that for me.  i fall in love all the time and it's my favorite feeling in the world, but for the first time i feel good crawling into my bed at night with a happy heart and calm conscience.  i have often confused chaos with love.  and let me tell you sometimes they are one in the same.  but i finally see the world through a crystal clear lens of independence.  relationships will test you.  they will expose your rawest nerves.  they will flaunt your greatest insecurities, yet without them you wouldn't even know you needed the time and space to heal and grow.  so to everyone who has graciously given me their time and their love, and to everyone i have joyously shared myself with, thank you.  life is a beautifully broken and treacherous journey at times, but being strong on your own only makes you the perfect person to take on the world with together. 

focus.

there's something exciting about new beginnings that breathe life into an otherwise bleak situation.  i crave routine and consistency yet love nothing more than adventuring into the abyss with my hand tucked into yours.  to end up lost in a town that has no meaning, except now it reminds me of you.  the gray sky is beautiful and our laughter gets swallowed up by the lake shore breeze as we pretend not to be nervous.  even if all we share is this brief moment in time, i am grateful for the opportunity to smile at something unexpected.  i let go of an idea and in rushes the reality that is floating just ahead.  each moment materializes and my heart begins to race with endless possibility.  you're face is just out of focus, just out of reach for my mind, but i know one day you'll be looking at me the same way i already know i look at you.   

the aftermath.

as i emerged from my apartment on wednesday following the election there was an eerie stillness in l.a., it felt like a post apocalyptic dead zone.  everyone's eyes were red from crying or staying up all through the night to watch the results roll in.  i must still be dreaming. 

the real truth: i wasn't expecting to be so utterly heartbroken by this election.  mostly because i didn't think this result was an actual possibility.  but low and behold, here we are.  it took me several days to get my thoughts and my words together after shedding many tears.  i came to the conclusion that i have a responsibility in the result, and now it's on me to use my voice.  i didn't initially see the point in getting involved in political conversations, mostly because i don't feel educated enough on the matter.  but what this boiled down to was plain and simple (for me).  the FIRST characteristic we teach our children is kindness.  be a good person.  that's what defines you.  not how much money you make, not who you marry, not the color of your skin, nothing else matters.  and thus it made my decision a no brainer.  you may not stand "with her" but at least if we had elected her we would've proved to ourselves and the rest of the world that we may not be perfect but we're open to trying to be progressive.  (and many of you may feel this way about "him" and i can even see how his radical behavior might be attractive in the short term, but you just stepped into a 4 year relationship.  4 years is a long time, and i bet you don't have too many intimate partners in your personal life that have lasted that long.)

now speaking as a woman, perhaps i will lose a few of you here, and that's okay with me.  i feel vulnerable.  for the first time i have to pull my head from the sand and look people in the eye and realize they openly think what i have always felt.  i am less than.  i am a pretty face or a nice ass.  i am too emotional.  but now i stand with those statements unprotected.  it is now okay to lose your manners and openly say those things to me, and there is no consequence because the leader of our nation also believes those things.  if i felt scared walking down the street alone before, i definitely feel worse about it now.  

so the silver lining.  we can no longer sit dormant.  we can no longer perpetuate a society that ignores the truth.  we can no longer say we don't have racism here, or sexism, or any other "ism".

  
and women.  i'm calling you out.  a huge part of why this election was lost was because we are divided.  women (i think by nature) are competitive and instead of supporting each other we prefer to stand divided.  but it's got to stop.  if we teamed up we are so capable of doing things for this nation that could never be done without us.  men stick together, they have the team mentality, they get taught it from a very young age.  women we need to do the same.  i stand with her because she represents me.  she may not be the "perfect" candidate and she may have done some shitty things in her life, but don't look with such hateful blaming eyes when i don't think you stand in the light without some smudges on your record - i know i don't. 

but i love you.  no matter who you voted for, whether you agree with me or not, i am grateful to have this right and to exercise it, and to have you take the time to read it and maybe be challenged to think a little differently.  tell someone today you love them.  or simply smile.  it goes a long way.

words.

most people fling words around like they have no meaning.  you on the other hand hold them so tightly it's as if the only way to part the space between your lips is to insult you.  i just want to know your mind.  you won't run out of words i promise.  as mindless as it is to breathe, it is to speak.  i truly appreciate your steadfast ways of utilizing language yet i yearn to understand the inner workings of your brain.  i watch beautiful images dance behind your eyes and want to be given the chance to see everything as you do.  try me.  i promise i won't hurt your world, i just want a chance to be part of it.  i'm a visitor.  i'm not moving in.  i can't own or steal your thoughts, i just want to feel the things you feel and never share.  it's not healthy you know, holding onto it the way you do.  you're suffocating yourself, though it feels like the world is suffocating you. 

something more.

there's more than meets the eye.  always. 
what is said is most likely not what is meant.  so, read between the lines.  
it's a balancing act of reading your mind, yet not assuming anything because i could always be wrong.  but am i wrong?  probably not.  which to be honest is my biggest fear, because then i'm just pulling the wool over my own eyes... convincing myself it isn't what it seems.  the facts in front of me were formed out of fear, not love.  or were they?  i should know better.  but i don't because the circumstances change like water and it never stands still long enough for me to get a handle on it. 
so i trip and fall down.  again and again and again and again and again.  it's tiring.  but i'll get back up.  the question is this time will you be standing in the future?  there's a small part of me that just hopes you're not.  then it isn't me who couldn't handle the fall out, it was you.  i'm not sure why, but somehow that feels better.  and then i remember the feeling in the early morning as dawn is breaking.  in a deep slumber with unadulterated thoughts you reach out under the covers and draw me into your chest and we begin to breathe as one.  and it's the feeling that has me hooked on you like a drug deep in my veins that i can't live without.  but the drug doesn't feel anything... just the person who uses it.  

certainty.

to be unsure is to be certain.
to be certain is to lie. 
but to lie is to be found in the midst of an unknown state of mind.  today i like it.  tomorrow not at all.  but it was the truth when i said it.  so just know that.
moments are fleeting instances that pass and then they're gone.  so let them go, don't try to hold them.  they will join the other moments in the sky casting a cloud over your city.  you'll exhaust yourself chasing the shadows of an idea, so witness them and let them slip through your fingers.  find what is real.  fate is ours.  so just wait a moment, i'll dance down the road and into your soul.