left behind.

i was staring out your window making wishes on the stars that littered the light polluted sky.  it was raining, and the stop light turned green - yellow - red - green - yellow - red.  i closed my eyes and could still see the colors dancing on the wet pavement.  the water rushed along the gutter below taking with it everything that wasn't meant to be left behind.  
                                we were left behind.  
i could feel your eyes on me as you moved around my mind like magic.  i tried my best to hide the silly smile you've permanently put on my face, but there was no fighting the fact that you'd found your way toward my soul.  a rush of heat warmed me from the inside, and i knew in an instant you weren't what i expected.  i finally mustered the courage to face you.  your eyes reflected the moonlight and dreams you brought here with you.  
                     without a word i knew what you meant.  
so here we stand facing one another with the hint of hope.  we're all wrong and the timing is bad, but maybe one day we'll find the desire to dig deep and give this the chance it deserves.  until then i'll smile because i know you like no one else does, and you'll shake my soul with your honesty.  at least it's real.  
                       i'm not sure i'd want it any other way.

blush.

you tapped my forehead and asked me to let you get to know my thoughts.  it's not that i don't want to share that space with you, it's really a matter of i don't know how.  and a little of i'm not ready.  i'd like nothing more than to be seen, and not just bare naked, but in a way where you can see how all my molecules work together.  but it requires a set of words that i just don't know.  so instead you watch as my eyes dart back and forth with color and music and magic, yet all you can do is admire from afar.  you make me blush.  i don't know how.  i know your words are not unique, but somehow still i'm swooped up in the honesty of your delivery.  the heat blossoms across my face and the rose pink fades through my olive skin.  it's been a while since someone has been able to make me do that.  you put your arm around me, somehow it works even though we don't fit.  so my first thought is "i'm left with a boy who makes me blush and we don't quite fit."  stop staring at my soul, it makes me nervous.  

freedom.

you think that if you are free you will no longer be tethered to responsibility.  in actuality, you will be forced to witness your own actions and stand alone in their repercussions.  freedom comes with a price, and one that you are willing to pay until you reach such a deep deficit you wish you could give it back.  what you really desire is to be free from your conscience.  so, take your freedom.  try it out.  let me know how it feels.  when you're wading out in the worrisome waters alone, you will be wishing you had traded in your misinterpreted "freedom" for stability.  to be free does not mean to be free from guilt, to be free from consequence, to be free from your thoughts.  to be free is to live a life founded in reality and swept up in magic.  freedom is living into who you know you're supposed to be and basking in its vulnerability.  i am free.  i wish you'd join me. 

movement.

as the days draw to a close, and the moon shines high above our heads, i am excited to drift off into dream land and let my imagination run rampant while my body restores itself for the oncoming hours of sunlight.  everyday there is some struggle, yet everyday there is some miracle to match.  we try to create patterns and find stability in routine, yet the moments that affect us the most are usually unplanned and a complete surprise.  you were unplanned and a complete surprise.  all the hours that have accumulated getting to know you, yet in this instance i feel as though you're someone i've just barely been allowed to understand.  somehow in the distance that's wedged its way between us, a trust has grown.  perhaps it doesn't feel like every decision holds the weight of the world anymore.  i slide one step further, and i can see the ice is growing very thin.  the crisp cutting cold of the sleepless water beneath my feet dances dangerously, reminding me of the fierce fate flowing directly below.  but when i take my eyes off my fear, and put them on you the roaring rush falls away and a subtle silence replaces it.  one step at a time.  not too much pressure.  carefully and meticulously travel in the direction of your dream.  so i keep my eyes ahead, and my body begins to ease its way into an unpredictable yet consistent forward motion, knowing one day i will be part of your promise. 

alone, but not lonely.

i am alone, but i'm not lonely.  i was never sure i'd understand what that meant, but now i do.  the task of loving myself is still work, but i stand here breathing in the nervous butterflies of a brilliantly bright future with no plans.  for the first time, i am asking me to love myself.  not just parts of myself, all of myself.  i have loved many with all of my heart and soul, and i'd like to do that for me.  i fall in love all the time and it's my favorite feeling in the world, but for the first time i feel good crawling into my bed at night with a happy heart and calm conscience.  i have often confused chaos with love.  and let me tell you sometimes they are one in the same.  but i finally see the world through a crystal clear lens of independence.  relationships will test you.  they will expose your rawest nerves.  they will flaunt your greatest insecurities, yet without them you wouldn't even know you needed the time and space to heal and grow.  so to everyone who has graciously given me their time and their love, and to everyone i have joyously shared myself with, thank you.  life is a beautifully broken and treacherous journey at times, but being strong on your own only makes you the perfect person to take on the world with together. 

focus.

there's something exciting about new beginnings that breathe life into an otherwise bleak situation.  i crave routine and consistency yet love nothing more than adventuring into the abyss with my hand tucked into yours.  to end up lost in a town that has no meaning, except now it reminds me of you.  the gray sky is beautiful and our laughter gets swallowed up by the lake shore breeze as we pretend not to be nervous.  even if all we share is this brief moment in time, i am grateful for the opportunity to smile at something unexpected.  i let go of an idea and in rushes the reality that is floating just ahead.  each moment materializes and my heart begins to race with endless possibility.  you're face is just out of focus, just out of reach for my mind, but i know one day you'll be looking at me the same way i already know i look at you.   

the aftermath.

as i emerged from my apartment on wednesday following the election there was an eerie stillness in l.a., it felt like a post apocalyptic dead zone.  everyone's eyes were red from crying or staying up all through the night to watch the results roll in.  i must still be dreaming. 

the real truth: i wasn't expecting to be so utterly heartbroken by this election.  mostly because i didn't think this result was an actual possibility.  but low and behold, here we are.  it took me several days to get my thoughts and my words together after shedding many tears.  i came to the conclusion that i have a responsibility in the result, and now it's on me to use my voice.  i didn't initially see the point in getting involved in political conversations, mostly because i don't feel educated enough on the matter.  but what this boiled down to was plain and simple (for me).  the FIRST characteristic we teach our children is kindness.  be a good person.  that's what defines you.  not how much money you make, not who you marry, not the color of your skin, nothing else matters.  and thus it made my decision a no brainer.  you may not stand "with her" but at least if we had elected her we would've proved to ourselves and the rest of the world that we may not be perfect but we're open to trying to be progressive.  (and many of you may feel this way about "him" and i can even see how his radical behavior might be attractive in the short term, but you just stepped into a 4 year relationship.  4 years is a long time, and i bet you don't have too many intimate partners in your personal life that have lasted that long.)

now speaking as a woman, perhaps i will lose a few of you here, and that's okay with me.  i feel vulnerable.  for the first time i have to pull my head from the sand and look people in the eye and realize they openly think what i have always felt.  i am less than.  i am a pretty face or a nice ass.  i am too emotional.  but now i stand with those statements unprotected.  it is now okay to lose your manners and openly say those things to me, and there is no consequence because the leader of our nation also believes those things.  if i felt scared walking down the street alone before, i definitely feel worse about it now.  

so the silver lining.  we can no longer sit dormant.  we can no longer perpetuate a society that ignores the truth.  we can no longer say we don't have racism here, or sexism, or any other "ism".

  
and women.  i'm calling you out.  a huge part of why this election was lost was because we are divided.  women (i think by nature) are competitive and instead of supporting each other we prefer to stand divided.  but it's got to stop.  if we teamed up we are so capable of doing things for this nation that could never be done without us.  men stick together, they have the team mentality, they get taught it from a very young age.  women we need to do the same.  i stand with her because she represents me.  she may not be the "perfect" candidate and she may have done some shitty things in her life, but don't look with such hateful blaming eyes when i don't think you stand in the light without some smudges on your record - i know i don't. 

but i love you.  no matter who you voted for, whether you agree with me or not, i am grateful to have this right and to exercise it, and to have you take the time to read it and maybe be challenged to think a little differently.  tell someone today you love them.  or simply smile.  it goes a long way.