unconditional.

unconditional love.  rare.  special.  one of a kind.  the type of love that unearths the darkest part of your soul, but loves you still.  a love with no boundaries.  no rules.  forgiving.  kind.  gentle.  harsh.  whatever it is you need, it helps you find it.  a love with no fear.  because no matter how far into the darkness you go, it always shines a light bright enough to lead you out. 

be good.

why does being good matter?  i don't want to be average or okay.  i only want to be the best or the whole endeavor feels like a waste of time.

so every time i fall short (which is often) it feels life shattering... and in that moment it is.  i know i should call out for some help.  there's nothing wrong with asking for help.  in fact, i love when people ask me for help.  but when it comes to my own life i never ask.  when i'm at my most vulnerable i like to be alone.  the kind of alone where the entire world falls away and i can retreat to the dark where i can pretend for however brief a time i'm the only being that exists.

it feels better that way.  being alone makes me happy in a way.  the kind of happy i can predict.  so i suppose it's not so happy at all but even.  i like being even.  i think it's why we all try to make routines and become comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't force us to grow.  the growing pains are agonizing.  i force myself into situations a lot where i'm asked to change or maneuver or expand.  and it hurts.  but at the end of the journey i'm always grateful for the distance i've traveled.  i propel myself one step closer into the dreamland i see floating in the distance.  it's a happy world, and i should be a part of it.

fall together.

i'm tumbling, bumbling, plummeting faster and faster.  my stomach hangs in free fall as i try to decipher which way is up.  i can't.  i keep waiting for the impact but it never seems to come.  i'm pretty sure my fear of the impact will be worse than the hit.  but, if i can just reach the bottom i can start the journey back to the top.  or perhaps i'm falling upward?  maybe i'll land somewhere among the stars.  that's a nice thought.  with each passing moment or hour or day the momentum keeps building.  there's no way to stop it and there's no way out.  or there is... but...  life is funny like that.  i'd love a pause button, or a hold on just a brief second and let me orient myself.  but no, somehow that's too logical and not at all how it works.  so i continue to fall.  i guess if i embrace the journey it's not too bad.  it's kinda exhilarating not knowing where you're headed or how things will end up.  luckily i'm not the only one, i see blurs zooming around me... i guess we're all in this together.  sometimes we collide with others, that's the only time we're sure we're not in this alone though.  i think it's why we're all so addicted to finding someone to take this leap with.  makes it a tiny bit less scary knowing we're connected to one another.  so we fall through life colliding and collecting on our way up or down.  we link together and suddenly we become a net catching more and more people.  we begin to form a point of reference amongst ourselves and can laugh and smile and sing and suddenly falling doesn't really feel like falling.  i think that's what living feels like.