be good.

why does being good matter?  i don't want to be average or okay.  i only want to be the best or the whole endeavor feels like a waste of time.

so every time i fall short (which is often) it feels life shattering... and in that moment it is.  i know i should call out for some help.  there's nothing wrong with asking for help.  in fact, i love when people ask me for help.  but when it comes to my own life i never ask.  when i'm at my most vulnerable i like to be alone.  the kind of alone where the entire world falls away and i can retreat to the dark where i can pretend for however brief a time i'm the only being that exists.

it feels better that way.  being alone makes me happy in a way.  the kind of happy i can predict.  so i suppose it's not so happy at all but even.  i like being even.  i think it's why we all try to make routines and become comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't force us to grow.  the growing pains are agonizing.  i force myself into situations a lot where i'm asked to change or maneuver or expand.  and it hurts.  but at the end of the journey i'm always grateful for the distance i've traveled.  i propel myself one step closer into the dreamland i see floating in the distance.  it's a happy world, and i should be a part of it.