tomorrow.

'i remembered him and i felt his presence in my existence.  he was my secret, tomorrow and always.  i’m mad i ever had to share him with the world.  nothing made sense unless i saw it through his eyes.  but through his eyes was the only way i wanted to witness the world.  colors exploded across the sky, and a symphony of sounds came together to be the soundtrack to my life.  and lowly in the background i could always hear him whisper.  i am you.  you are me.  tripping into a tomorrow that we would never actually hold.  but my heart beats of you, and the fabric of my life will forever drape its soft surroundings, keeping me safe beneath the sun, moon and stars.' 

- a little excerpt from a project near and dear to me

up.

left.  right.  left.  right.  left.  right. 

up. 

wait what?  

up, look up.  pause.  stop.  breathe.  sigh.  

routines die hard, and love takes time.   but i promise it's worth it.  embrace the anxiety as it comes and goes as it pleases.  love the moments that make no sense.  find hope in nothing but the fact that the sun rose today, and the moon will follow.  soak up the energy of the touch of another human's arms wrapped around you, it's a reflection of His grace.  nothing is by accident, and together we make one picture.  sometimes we need to slow down and gain perspective.  we get so focused on what is right in front of us.  expand your mind, challenge yourself to look at it from an aerial view.  

whoa.  it looks so different.  

if you do these things, which only take moments, you will find the freedom to choose.  choose whatever it is you want to feel, wherever it is you want to go, whoever it is you want to see.  life is beautiful, even if sometimes it's too dark to see it.  if you can't do it for you, be the star to light the way for someone else... in doing so you'll also find yourself. 

remember this.

memories move and manipulate this man made reality.  

to remember - or more accurately misremember - the events that, i would say, have shaped me and my life.  but i feel okay about it, because my memories are my own and they are there to serve me. 

there are memories burned so deeply into my consciousness i can remember every detail everyday... the way it smelled, how he looked, the way it felt the first time he ran his fingers over my face, the shock of electricity that trickled through my body when his lips touched mine.  

and there are other moments that people tell me i was there for that i can't remember my own existence.  

life is a journey, a collection of things, of moments and from that collection we make memories.  and when we look back and watch the pictures replay in our minds we can enjoy each moment again as if it's new.  because as we play it back, we have learned and grown and changed and nothing is ever the same twice.  

be a witness to your own life.  enjoy each kiss like it's the first time, because really... it is.  

ashes.

i have fallen to ashes and honestly nothing i cling to resembles who i am today.  it hurts.  a lot.  as i feel my way through the darkness i am praying for light to come from any direction so i can start heading toward it.  but, i can't see anything in the pitch black abyss.  

faith.  blind faith. 

but is faith so blind when i can feel it.  just because i can't see it or tangibly hold it doesn't mean it's not real, right?  

love isn't a thing you can hold or touch, but it's a human experience we all crave to participate in.  

as my particles begin to reassemble, in a way i never thought they would, i can feel my dust swirling.  hope, as if air, is being pumped into my nonexistent body and suddenly i start to glitter.  i can't see further than one step ahead of me, but that's all i need.       

unconditional.

unconditional love.  rare.  special.  one of a kind.  the type of love that unearths the darkest part of your soul, but loves you still.  a love with no boundaries.  no rules.  forgiving.  kind.  gentle.  harsh.  whatever it is you need, it helps you find it.  a love with no fear.  because no matter how far into the darkness you go, it always shines a light bright enough to lead you out. 

be good.

why does being good matter?  i don't want to be average or okay.  i only want to be the best or the whole endeavor feels like a waste of time.

so every time i fall short (which is often) it feels life shattering... and in that moment it is.  i know i should call out for some help.  there's nothing wrong with asking for help.  in fact, i love when people ask me for help.  but when it comes to my own life i never ask.  when i'm at my most vulnerable i like to be alone.  the kind of alone where the entire world falls away and i can retreat to the dark where i can pretend for however brief a time i'm the only being that exists.

it feels better that way.  being alone makes me happy in a way.  the kind of happy i can predict.  so i suppose it's not so happy at all but even.  i like being even.  i think it's why we all try to make routines and become comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't force us to grow.  the growing pains are agonizing.  i force myself into situations a lot where i'm asked to change or maneuver or expand.  and it hurts.  but at the end of the journey i'm always grateful for the distance i've traveled.  i propel myself one step closer into the dreamland i see floating in the distance.  it's a happy world, and i should be a part of it.

fall together.

i'm tumbling, bumbling, plummeting faster and faster.  my stomach hangs in free fall as i try to decipher which way is up.  i can't.  i keep waiting for the impact but it never seems to come.  i'm pretty sure my fear of the impact will be worse than the hit.  but, if i can just reach the bottom i can start the journey back to the top.  or perhaps i'm falling upward?  maybe i'll land somewhere among the stars.  that's a nice thought.  with each passing moment or hour or day the momentum keeps building.  there's no way to stop it and there's no way out.  or there is... but...  life is funny like that.  i'd love a pause button, or a hold on just a brief second and let me orient myself.  but no, somehow that's too logical and not at all how it works.  so i continue to fall.  i guess if i embrace the journey it's not too bad.  it's kinda exhilarating not knowing where you're headed or how things will end up.  luckily i'm not the only one, i see blurs zooming around me... i guess we're all in this together.  sometimes we collide with others, that's the only time we're sure we're not in this alone though.  i think it's why we're all so addicted to finding someone to take this leap with.  makes it a tiny bit less scary knowing we're connected to one another.  so we fall through life colliding and collecting on our way up or down.  we link together and suddenly we become a net catching more and more people.  we begin to form a point of reference amongst ourselves and can laugh and smile and sing and suddenly falling doesn't really feel like falling.  i think that's what living feels like.