silently.

i have spent so many nights silently sobbing.  there's something that feels too intrusive, or possibly even rude, to disrupt the peace that flows so freely when the rest of the world is quiet.  it takes every ounce of will power to imprison the never ending thoughts that threaten to escape and cause a cacophony of echoes as the words bounce off of the bare walls.  surely the building will quake and the world will know, and that is when i'll be embarrassed of the very vulnerable position i have found myself in.  i dream of a world without suffering, but that's not the human experience.  so as we do our best to brandish a smile and pretend all is well, remember that the world spares no one and maybe your pain is exactly what someone else needs to know they're never alone. 

confused.

i wake up and look around like a sly stranger that doesn't recognize my own life.  i can recall the moments and i remember the memories, yet somehow they feel like i didn't make them, as if they don't actually belong to me.  it's an odd feeling, feeling like you don't belong to yourself.  it's a constant questioning and mistrust of everything you think is real.  what we share is special, i know we're meant to share this earth experience together.  yet somehow misery meddles and misleads and we find ourselves lost in translation wanting to call out and say "i'm sorry" and "i love you" and letting all the pain fall away.  because that's what you do for me.  you lift up my chin and you look me in the eyes and without saying anything, you say it all.  you create just enough space for a sliver of unrelenting hope to shine through.  so as the battle wages on, know the truth is all i want is for my lips to find yours and peace to purify this momentary misuse of unattainable time. 

misremembered.

i tried to convince myself my memories were misremembered.  it eased the distance and settled my emotions into a state of even keel, and it felt nice to be able to breathe.  but the moment i saw you again my breath left my body; the way it does when stung by the freezing cold of a winter night.  it startled me, sending me tripping through the anticipation of when i could feel your arms around me again. 

fear.

fear drives me every single day.  as i fight to open my eyes and find the faith and courage to get out of bed, sometimes i just... can't.  but this cyclical roundabout is nothing but a ride that i've been on far too many times.  sometimes my thoughts are so loud i pray that all i hear is the hammering of the rain on the pavement or the traffic roaring past on the highway so as to focus my mind on something else... anything else.  my memories make me crazy as i retrace every moment, slowly murdering myself for the words i didn't say, and on occasion the ones i did.  i've been fearful to put my pen to paper and exploit my thoughts because i don't want everyone to know just how deep it all goes.  down the rabbit hole of hopeless days followed by long nights, reignited by glimmers of success.  my dreams mean more to me than you will ever know, and i grasp them with desperate fingers as fear tries to pull them back one by one.  but my dreams mean too much for me to lose the war and let them go.  so i get up to fight my fears another day.  this rocky road has never been what i imagined it should be, but i've always adapted to the realization that it's exactly as it's supposed to be.  thank you, fear, for making me uncomfortable, and constantly elevating creativity.

a dose of anxiety.

if i've ever assaulted you with silence, as you stare at me blankly waiting for the words to wind their way out of my mouth here is why. 

as you ask me a simple, but emotional, question it goes off like a bomb in my ears.  i'm disoriented and the fragmented words that were hanging around scatter.  "come back," i think, that's what i want to say.  and on repeat i hear my voice scream them over and over, yet every time i go to open my mouth to let them out i feel the invisible wire of anxiety pull my teeth closer together.  it's a vice grip and the harder i fight it the less likely i am to say anything at all.  my face gets hot and the heat radiates electrically through me, as your eyes penetrate my soul with every passing millisecond that feels like an eternity.  i stutter and stammer as i beg my body to just listen to my mind, but it doesn't.  so instead tears start to well up and i watch as you roll your eyes in exasperation.  and in that moment it all goes black.  there's an incessant ringing and my hands shake as i try to regain a sense of reality.  but as quickly as it started, it's over for me.  so i retreat and hide hoping to bounce back fast enough that the not so big problem doesn't blow up into a bigger one, but it's rarely fast enough.  so i deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces and hope you're patient enough to wait.

so if you find me staring at you, it's not that i don't care or have thoughts or things i'd like to say.  it's just a step in the process of the war that wages within before i can even deal with what stands in front of me.  so i'm sorry.  i know it's not easy.  but i do thank you for loving me enough to stand by.       

another year.

i sit in awe of the astonishing amount of events that have taken place in the last year.  i have never known such high highs and such low lows, but let me tell you i wouldn't be able to appreciate one without the other (as most people would say).  so, i'm grateful.  this last year has been one of pruning.  pruning the people in my life.  the things i will spend my time on.  the projects i believe in.  it has been a painful yet liberating process to truly discard, with confidence, that which no longer serves me.  i experienced lust, love, and loss.  all of which were unique experiences that exposed parts of me that still need nurturing.  i found myself in the throws of betrayal, and the bliss of dreams come true.  there are a few people (you know who you are) who have stood by me and patiently taught me life's lessons.  there are a few people who have loved me unconditionally, and for the record i love you unconditionally as well.  i have stopped taking ironic incidents for granted, and know that my life is a well laid plan.  i have learned the weight words carry, and how to use them for good and not evil.  i have found hope on dark days when it feels easier to give up. over all the one thing i keep coming back to is love.  finding ways to express it, show it, say it, pass it on.  it's such a simple gift we can give to make the world a better place, yet we hold it so selfishly as it requires vulnerability to share.  so as the minutes pass by and you find yourself in your feelings, just take a second to make whatever decision you're stewing on in love.  be honest, open and self expressed.  these are all things i have to remind myself of moment to moment, and it will be my forever mission.  but what an amazing journey.  thanks so much for all the love, and being part of my adventure.  so much love! 

i wonder.

i didn't know that missing you would feel the same as losing you.  as i replay each memory in my mind, i wonder if it was as beautiful as i've remembered it to be. as each hour passes i feel like i'm slipping further and further into the back of your brain and i'm worried you won't recognize me the next time i see you.  i find myself typing texts and then deleting them over and over again.  insecurity's ugly face flaunts herself in front of me.  but when i finally slip off to sleep i find i am smiling as i faintly hear your voice whisper "how lucky am i?"  and just like that i'm falling all over again for a boy who i'm not sure wants me to love him.  but i won't deny myself the wonder of what could be.  so as you travel around the world picking up pieces of yourself, don't forget you also carry a piece of me, and i hope that makes you smile.  i really can't wait to hear your laugh, i think that's what i miss the most.