ashes.

i have fallen to ashes and honestly nothing i cling to resembles who i am today.  it hurts.  a lot.  as i feel my way through the darkness i am praying for light to come from any direction so i can start heading toward it.  but, i can't see anything in the pitch black abyss.  

faith.  blind faith. 

but is faith so blind when i can feel it.  just because i can't see it or tangibly hold it doesn't mean it's not real, right?  

love isn't a thing you can hold or touch, but it's a human experience we all crave to participate in.  

as my particles begin to reassemble, in a way i never thought they would, i can feel my dust swirling.  hope, as if air, is being pumped into my nonexistent body and suddenly i start to glitter.  i can't see further than one step ahead of me, but that's all i need.       

unconditional.

unconditional love.  rare.  special.  one of a kind.  the type of love that unearths the darkest part of your soul, but loves you still.  a love with no boundaries.  no rules.  forgiving.  kind.  gentle.  harsh.  whatever it is you need, it helps you find it.  a love with no fear.  because no matter how far into the darkness you go, it always shines a light bright enough to lead you out. 

be good.

why does being good matter?  i don't want to be average or okay.  i only want to be the best or the whole endeavor feels like a waste of time.

so every time i fall short (which is often) it feels life shattering... and in that moment it is.  i know i should call out for some help.  there's nothing wrong with asking for help.  in fact, i love when people ask me for help.  but when it comes to my own life i never ask.  when i'm at my most vulnerable i like to be alone.  the kind of alone where the entire world falls away and i can retreat to the dark where i can pretend for however brief a time i'm the only being that exists.

it feels better that way.  being alone makes me happy in a way.  the kind of happy i can predict.  so i suppose it's not so happy at all but even.  i like being even.  i think it's why we all try to make routines and become comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't force us to grow.  the growing pains are agonizing.  i force myself into situations a lot where i'm asked to change or maneuver or expand.  and it hurts.  but at the end of the journey i'm always grateful for the distance i've traveled.  i propel myself one step closer into the dreamland i see floating in the distance.  it's a happy world, and i should be a part of it.

fall together.

i'm tumbling, bumbling, plummeting faster and faster.  my stomach hangs in free fall as i try to decipher which way is up.  i can't.  i keep waiting for the impact but it never seems to come.  i'm pretty sure my fear of the impact will be worse than the hit.  but, if i can just reach the bottom i can start the journey back to the top.  or perhaps i'm falling upward?  maybe i'll land somewhere among the stars.  that's a nice thought.  with each passing moment or hour or day the momentum keeps building.  there's no way to stop it and there's no way out.  or there is... but...  life is funny like that.  i'd love a pause button, or a hold on just a brief second and let me orient myself.  but no, somehow that's too logical and not at all how it works.  so i continue to fall.  i guess if i embrace the journey it's not too bad.  it's kinda exhilarating not knowing where you're headed or how things will end up.  luckily i'm not the only one, i see blurs zooming around me... i guess we're all in this together.  sometimes we collide with others, that's the only time we're sure we're not in this alone though.  i think it's why we're all so addicted to finding someone to take this leap with.  makes it a tiny bit less scary knowing we're connected to one another.  so we fall through life colliding and collecting on our way up or down.  we link together and suddenly we become a net catching more and more people.  we begin to form a point of reference amongst ourselves and can laugh and smile and sing and suddenly falling doesn't really feel like falling.  i think that's what living feels like.  

we can do better.

i've been at a loss for words. 

it's a little bit weird for me.  which makes the uneasy feeling in my stomach that much worse. 

how can we pretend we know best?  how can we play God?  life is so so precious, and in an instant it's ripped from your body and tossed into the abyss.  

the topic has been talked about and talked about and talked about and the only answer that keeps rising to the top is love. 

i can't turn a blind eye to the hate that hangs in the air around us.  it slowly seeps into our souls and before we know it we're surrounded by a feeling that isn't our own.  but we must stand firm and united.  we can't use this as an excuse to say "i told you so." and also, if we can shrink the macro to the micro for just a second... this is a lesson we can scale into our daily lives. 

answer the call with love.  no one is perfect, but in order to make the right decisions in the high pressure situations it needs to be a daily practice.  so the next time you have every right to say "i told you so" say something else.  pause just long enough to think about why one might be acting in a way that desires love, but is manifesting as something rough and mean.  

we can all do better.  we can all show up and be better versions of ourselves, but in a world that seems hopeless can you be that ray of sunshine someone needs to see their way? 

together.

together in silence we lay staring at the ceiling.  usually my brain would race for a clever thing to say, but instead your fingers wrap around mine and i feel no pressure to do anything but be.  silence used to force its anxiety through me.  silence used to be something i dreaded.  all day thoughts bounce between my ears fighting to be so important i open my mouth to let them out, but next to you they all fade away.  you begin to tell me a story, and i lose myself in the low rumble of your voice.  as you speak your essence finds its way into my soul, and it doesn't feel crowded.

when it's quiet.

when it's quiet we have to answer to ourselves. 

i love noise and chaos and people and distractions... but when it comes down to it they stand between me and myself. 

why am i so uncomfortable asking myself the hard questions?  i have no problem asking you.  in fact, i want to know... i want you to tell me, to share your truth, because then i become a little more special and i know that much more about what makes up the pieces of who you are.  

so here i sit in (almost) silence wishing the words would come to me, the answers to my life's questions.  they don't.  

maybe it's the effort that counts.  the fact that i can sit in stillness for however short amount of time and reflect on that day, or hour, or moment.  i can obsess or stew on something that hurt me or i can let go of something that no longer serves me.  

it doesn't have to be a practice of perfection.  it just needs to be a practice in general.  

getting to know yourself is a daily task.  it takes time and commitment as any relationship does.  i pray i am always faced with the challenge.  at least then i know i'm changing and change is good.  change to me equals growth.  i hope i'm never the person i was a year ago.  i should have to get to know myself all over again. and again. and again.