loneliness..

loneliness is the path that leads to destructiveness.  as each moment passes, each second builds on the last with a weight that's compounding so quickly i feel as if my bones will disintegrate.  the only way to escape it is to keep moving, but is it my fate to become intimate with the one person i wish i wasn't?  i'm not ready to love myself, so i start to run.  faster and faster.  my lungs ache with longing to simply stop, but life is clicking right on my heels and i'm not sure i'll survive the crash that is sure to ensue.  i can no longer feel my feet, but i hear the rhythm of one foot falling in front of the next.  it's easier to distract myself with a fleeting moment of hope than to sit back and swim through the broken glass i've shattered in my wake.  in a desperate attempt to regain control i lace my fingers through the first they come in contact with.  i'll figure the rest out as soon as i can see straight.  the sun peeks over the horizon with a soft pink and blue that screams "it's a new day."  its subtle taunting makes my heart pound out of my chest and flashes of a thought that says "burn it all down" is almost enough to make me spark the match.  but a moment of clarity swoops down like a harsh wind that takes your breath away.  destructiveness is the symptom of a broken heart, the little girl lashing out because she wants to feel okay.  what to give up in the name of love is still something i'm learning.  but for right now, i'm basking in gratitude for another moment to make the right choice. loneliness is a lie, so don't give in to her whispers that it'll hurt less if you light it all on fire.

room to room.

i occupy the space we call home, filled with all the memories of things i love, yet i feel alone.  i walk from room to room trying to remember why all of these things mattered so much, but instead i feel as though i am navigating a painful present that i don't quite know how to deal with.  i flip through my phone and find photos of us and i look happy, yet somehow it feels like such a distant reality.  a reality i bare witness to but don't internalize as my own.  i'm waiting for the film to run out or the lights to flicker to let me in on the sad joke that this is all for naught.  but that day has yet to come.  so the shift has to satisfy the need to want more and know that it's destined to be what it will be.  there are so many things i want to do, and so many places i want to see... but the truth is i only want it with you.  so as i walk room to room reminiscing i am reminded i'm in love.  that in and of itself is a reason to keep pacing.   

weight of the world.

the weight of the world is a lot to bare.  as i look out into the onslaught of human robots rummaging on their phones and floating from one passing moment to the next it grows heavier and heavier.  everyone is so lost in their digital desires that they fail to confront the fleeting moments that are not slowing down for you, or anyone else.  we are fed headlines and false facts and expected to make rational decisions yet no one lives in a present reality.  it's no wonder the children with beautiful imagination are trying to break down the barricades that protect out futile facade.  the weight of the world is a lot to bare... if you're doing it alone.  so as we watch each other crumble under the immense pressure, let's acknowledge we matter and try to change the tide of selfishness before it's too late. 

silently.

i have spent so many nights silently sobbing.  there's something that feels too intrusive, or possibly even rude, to disrupt the peace that flows so freely when the rest of the world is quiet.  it takes every ounce of will power to imprison the never ending thoughts that threaten to escape and cause a cacophony of echoes as the words bounce off of the bare walls.  surely the building will quake and the world will know, and that is when i'll be embarrassed of the very vulnerable position i have found myself in.  i dream of a world without suffering, but that's not the human experience.  so as we do our best to brandish a smile and pretend all is well, remember that the world spares no one and maybe your pain is exactly what someone else needs to know they're never alone. 

confused.

i wake up and look around like a sly stranger that doesn't recognize my own life.  i can recall the moments and i remember the memories, yet somehow they feel like i didn't make them, as if they don't actually belong to me.  it's an odd feeling, feeling like you don't belong to yourself.  it's a constant questioning and mistrust of everything you think is real.  what we share is special, i know we're meant to share this earth experience together.  yet somehow misery meddles and misleads and we find ourselves lost in translation wanting to call out and say "i'm sorry" and "i love you" and letting all the pain fall away.  because that's what you do for me.  you lift up my chin and you look me in the eyes and without saying anything, you say it all.  you create just enough space for a sliver of unrelenting hope to shine through.  so as the battle wages on, know the truth is all i want is for my lips to find yours and peace to purify this momentary misuse of unattainable time. 

misremembered.

i tried to convince myself my memories were misremembered.  it eased the distance and settled my emotions into a state of even keel, and it felt nice to be able to breathe.  but the moment i saw you again my breath left my body; the way it does when stung by the freezing cold of a winter night.  it startled me, sending me tripping through the anticipation of when i could feel your arms around me again. 

fear.

fear drives me every single day.  as i fight to open my eyes and find the faith and courage to get out of bed, sometimes i just... can't.  but this cyclical roundabout is nothing but a ride that i've been on far too many times.  sometimes my thoughts are so loud i pray that all i hear is the hammering of the rain on the pavement or the traffic roaring past on the highway so as to focus my mind on something else... anything else.  my memories make me crazy as i retrace every moment, slowly murdering myself for the words i didn't say, and on occasion the ones i did.  i've been fearful to put my pen to paper and exploit my thoughts because i don't want everyone to know just how deep it all goes.  down the rabbit hole of hopeless days followed by long nights, reignited by glimmers of success.  my dreams mean more to me than you will ever know, and i grasp them with desperate fingers as fear tries to pull them back one by one.  but my dreams mean too much for me to lose the war and let them go.  so i get up to fight my fears another day.  this rocky road has never been what i imagined it should be, but i've always adapted to the realization that it's exactly as it's supposed to be.  thank you, fear, for making me uncomfortable, and constantly elevating creativity.

a dose of anxiety.

if i've ever assaulted you with silence, as you stare at me blankly waiting for the words to wind their way out of my mouth here is why. 

as you ask me a simple, but emotional, question it goes off like a bomb in my ears.  i'm disoriented and the fragmented words that were hanging around scatter.  "come back," i think, that's what i want to say.  and on repeat i hear my voice scream them over and over, yet every time i go to open my mouth to let them out i feel the invisible wire of anxiety pull my teeth closer together.  it's a vice grip and the harder i fight it the less likely i am to say anything at all.  my face gets hot and the heat radiates electrically through me, as your eyes penetrate my soul with every passing millisecond that feels like an eternity.  i stutter and stammer as i beg my body to just listen to my mind, but it doesn't.  so instead tears start to well up and i watch as you roll your eyes in exasperation.  and in that moment it all goes black.  there's an incessant ringing and my hands shake as i try to regain a sense of reality.  but as quickly as it started, it's over for me.  so i retreat and hide hoping to bounce back fast enough that the not so big problem doesn't blow up into a bigger one, but it's rarely fast enough.  so i deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces and hope you're patient enough to wait.

so if you find me staring at you, it's not that i don't care or have thoughts or things i'd like to say.  it's just a step in the process of the war that wages within before i can even deal with what stands in front of me.  so i'm sorry.  i know it's not easy.  but i do thank you for loving me enough to stand by.       

another year.

i sit in awe of the astonishing amount of events that have taken place in the last year.  i have never known such high highs and such low lows, but let me tell you i wouldn't be able to appreciate one without the other (as most people would say).  so, i'm grateful.  this last year has been one of pruning.  pruning the people in my life.  the things i will spend my time on.  the projects i believe in.  it has been a painful yet liberating process to truly discard, with confidence, that which no longer serves me.  i experienced lust, love, and loss.  all of which were unique experiences that exposed parts of me that still need nurturing.  i found myself in the throws of betrayal, and the bliss of dreams come true.  there are a few people (you know who you are) who have stood by me and patiently taught me life's lessons.  there are a few people who have loved me unconditionally, and for the record i love you unconditionally as well.  i have stopped taking ironic incidents for granted, and know that my life is a well laid plan.  i have learned the weight words carry, and how to use them for good and not evil.  i have found hope on dark days when it feels easier to give up. over all the one thing i keep coming back to is love.  finding ways to express it, show it, say it, pass it on.  it's such a simple gift we can give to make the world a better place, yet we hold it so selfishly as it requires vulnerability to share.  so as the minutes pass by and you find yourself in your feelings, just take a second to make whatever decision you're stewing on in love.  be honest, open and self expressed.  these are all things i have to remind myself of moment to moment, and it will be my forever mission.  but what an amazing journey.  thanks so much for all the love, and being part of my adventure.  so much love! 

i wonder.

i didn't know that missing you would feel the same as losing you.  as i replay each memory in my mind, i wonder if it was as beautiful as i've remembered it to be. as each hour passes i feel like i'm slipping further and further into the back of your brain and i'm worried you won't recognize me the next time i see you.  i find myself typing texts and then deleting them over and over again.  insecurity's ugly face flaunts herself in front of me.  but when i finally slip off to sleep i find i am smiling as i faintly hear your voice whisper "how lucky am i?"  and just like that i'm falling all over again for a boy who i'm not sure wants me to love him.  but i won't deny myself the wonder of what could be.  so as you travel around the world picking up pieces of yourself, don't forget you also carry a piece of me, and i hope that makes you smile.  i really can't wait to hear your laugh, i think that's what i miss the most.  

not yet ready.

the funny thing is, i know how to love you but i have no idea how to love me.  i know your favorite color, and the face you make when you're trying to hide your excitement.  i know when you're happy, and especially when you're not.  i know what your favorite food is and how to hold you when you want to give up.  but i have no idea how to love me.  on the nights i spend alone, i lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering why i feel like there's someone lying with me that i know nothing about.  a stranger who doesn't belong.  if i close my eyes i'm certain i'll be confronted with the face of someone i'm not yet ready to know, but if i leave my eyes open i am awkwardly aware of the being that desires to be acknowledged.  so just keep moving.  if i don't stand still long enough for my innocence to catch me, i'll never have to protect me from myself. 

all there is.

sometimes i wake up and forget who i am.  i drift around my memories for a moment trying to remember.  it's an endless journey into a dream filled phenomenon.  beautiful colors fly by, emotions emanate through me, and then it all falls black.  in the depths of the darkness i try to picture myself, but all i can see is a vibrant blur of ideas.  the essence of my soul is the only thing i recognize.
                               you give me perspective.  you reflect back to me the parts of me i cannot see.  sometimes i wish i could crawl into your eyes and make a home there, just for a brief moment.  "lend me your eyes so i can see myself," i think.  if you see me the way i think you do, then maybe it's time to stop pretending this is all there is.  

away.

in the silence of my room, i close my eyes and i can hear the rise and fall of your chest.  your heart beats a beautiful rhythm that lulls my racing mind into a state of surrender.  i swear i can feel your fingers find mine beneath the blanket.  my imagination recreates the perfect moment between sleep and awake where the morning sun breaks softly across your peaceful face.  to avoid the rude interruption of the bustling day before us, i burrow myself in the space between your neck and hold my breath lying motionless.  maybe the day won't notice us.  maybe time will stand still for just a few more hours.  perhaps it's wishful thinking.  until then, i'll keep trying to lay in your arms as often as possible, absorbing your aura so i don't miss you quite so much while you're away. 

words like weapons.

you take for granted the gravitas of your words.  i can tell by the passion pouring from your eyes that what's about to tumble from your lips might be the end of me.  bracing for impact, each syllable singes my skin.  if you truly knew how much you meant to me, you'd never wield your words like weapons.  there'd be no need. but your reality is your truth, and i've tried time and time again to shift your gaze.  yet here i am, banging my head against the wall trying to prove i'm not who you tell me i am.  why does it feel like i've retreated back to the third grade?  letting the big bully hurl hateful rhetoric in my direction in an effort to what... that i'm still not sure.  wasn't sure back then either.  i'm exhausted by the dance i'm doing to dodge the incoming blows.  then a moment of peace passes through me.  compassion.  empathy.  compassion.  the only trait that really separates us from most beasts.  "to suffer with."  hm.  think on that.  so i swallow my pride, and allow myself to feel your pain.  i digest it, and, in some form, understand it.  i'm not sure it makes a difference, but somehow in my soul i know it needs to be recognized.  after the dust has settled, leaving the coating of a soft translucent memory, i see nothing but a little boy who needs more love than i may know how to give.  it's not my job to love everyone, but i think it is my job to love you.  the unconditional way. 

i wish i would've known.

i wish i would've known from the start the way you'd make me feel.   the highs are the highest but the lows are something i never expected.  i never expected to look into your eyes and find peace.  now i'm fiending for a fix.  i'm hoping for a sliver of stillness in the quiet of your quarters.  i can't tell where we're headed.  i'm not really sure where it even all began.  but i'm swimming in the middle of the ocean with no sign of the shore.  i want to sink away into the sureness of tomorrow, but that's a gift you're not willing to give.  so i'll breathe in the salty air, and let go of what was never mine to begin with. 

left behind.

i was staring out your window making wishes on the stars that littered the light polluted sky.  it was raining, and the stop light turned green - yellow - red - green - yellow - red.  i closed my eyes and could still see the colors dancing on the wet pavement.  the water rushed along the gutter below taking with it everything that wasn't meant to be left behind.  
                                we were left behind.  
i could feel your eyes on me as you moved around my mind like magic.  i tried my best to hide the silly smile you've permanently put on my face, but there was no fighting the fact that you'd found your way toward my soul.  a rush of heat warmed me from the inside, and i knew in an instant you weren't what i expected.  i finally mustered the courage to face you.  your eyes reflected the moonlight and dreams you brought here with you.  
                     without a word i knew what you meant.  
so here we stand facing one another with the hint of hope.  we're all wrong and the timing is bad, but maybe one day we'll find the desire to dig deep and give this the chance it deserves.  until then i'll smile because i know you like no one else does, and you'll shake my soul with your honesty.  at least it's real.  
                       i'm not sure i'd want it any other way.

blush.

you tapped my forehead and asked me to let you get to know my thoughts.  it's not that i don't want to share that space with you, it's really a matter of i don't know how.  and a little of i'm not ready.  i'd like nothing more than to be seen, and not just bare naked, but in a way where you can see how all my molecules work together.  but it requires a set of words that i just don't know.  so instead you watch as my eyes dart back and forth with color and music and magic, yet all you can do is admire from afar.  you make me blush.  i don't know how.  i know your words are not unique, but somehow still i'm swooped up in the honesty of your delivery.  the heat blossoms across my face and the rose pink fades through my olive skin.  it's been a while since someone has been able to make me do that.  you put your arm around me, somehow it works even though we don't fit.  so my first thought is "i'm left with a boy who makes me blush and we don't quite fit."  stop staring at my soul, it makes me nervous.  

freedom.

you think that if you are free you will no longer be tethered to responsibility.  in actuality, you will be forced to witness your own actions and stand alone in their repercussions.  freedom comes with a price, and one that you are willing to pay until you reach such a deep deficit you wish you could give it back.  what you really desire is to be free from your conscience.  so, take your freedom.  try it out.  let me know how it feels.  when you're wading out in the worrisome waters alone, you will be wishing you had traded in your misinterpreted "freedom" for stability.  to be free does not mean to be free from guilt, to be free from consequence, to be free from your thoughts.  to be free is to live a life founded in reality and swept up in magic.  freedom is living into who you know you're supposed to be and basking in its vulnerability.  i am free.  i wish you'd join me. 

movement.

as the days draw to a close, and the moon shines high above our heads, i am excited to drift off into dream land and let my imagination run rampant while my body restores itself for the oncoming hours of sunlight.  everyday there is some struggle, yet everyday there is some miracle to match.  we try to create patterns and find stability in routine, yet the moments that affect us the most are usually unplanned and a complete surprise.  you were unplanned and a complete surprise.  all the hours that have accumulated getting to know you, yet in this instance i feel as though you're someone i've just barely been allowed to understand.  somehow in the distance that's wedged its way between us, a trust has grown.  perhaps it doesn't feel like every decision holds the weight of the world anymore.  i slide one step further, and i can see the ice is growing very thin.  the crisp cutting cold of the sleepless water beneath my feet dances dangerously, reminding me of the fierce fate flowing directly below.  but when i take my eyes off my fear, and put them on you the roaring rush falls away and a subtle silence replaces it.  one step at a time.  not too much pressure.  carefully and meticulously travel in the direction of your dream.  so i keep my eyes ahead, and my body begins to ease its way into an unpredictable yet consistent forward motion, knowing one day i will be part of your promise. 

alone, but not lonely.

i am alone, but i'm not lonely.  i was never sure i'd understand what that meant, but now i do.  the task of loving myself is still work, but i stand here breathing in the nervous butterflies of a brilliantly bright future with no plans.  for the first time, i am asking me to love myself.  not just parts of myself, all of myself.  i have loved many with all of my heart and soul, and i'd like to do that for me.  i fall in love all the time and it's my favorite feeling in the world, but for the first time i feel good crawling into my bed at night with a happy heart and calm conscience.  i have often confused chaos with love.  and let me tell you sometimes they are one in the same.  but i finally see the world through a crystal clear lens of independence.  relationships will test you.  they will expose your rawest nerves.  they will flaunt your greatest insecurities, yet without them you wouldn't even know you needed the time and space to heal and grow.  so to everyone who has graciously given me their time and their love, and to everyone i have joyously shared myself with, thank you.  life is a beautifully broken and treacherous journey at times, but being strong on your own only makes you the perfect person to take on the world with together.