happy birthday.

before my creation had been a mere thought, there was a boy God created who would one day become my better half.  we were kept apart for what felt like an eternity, searching every face for a feeling.  from time to time another pair of eyes would keep us occupied, teach us lessons, and prepare us for the wonderment we had floating just around the corner.  God finally saw we had learned all that we could, and endured what we were capable of without each other.  this boy and i danced elegantly past one another, but failed to complete our connection.  when our eyes met a fire was ignited that would never be put out.  this flame started in my eyes, and its heat burned my spirit alive.  my heart pumped this flame, repeatedly coursing the intoxicating warmth through my deprived veins.  i felt alive.  there was a hope that had been born in that instant that would take my life’s journey one step closer to heaven on earth.  we took our time, and played a strategic match, careful not to put our hearts on the line.  fate stepped in, and broke through the walls we had carefully spent a lifetime building to protect ourselves.  it was a hole in the armor just small enough to let in a single ray of light, but it was enough for our naked souls to crave more.  like a drug we couldn’t get enough, yet it was healthy and beautiful.  it was an addiction of the wildest imagination.  the fear of falling paralyzed me, and stole my voice.  for the first time i found myself fighting to get it back.  i wanted this boy to know how much i cared for him, and loved him in his entirety.  i wanted a voice so loud that i could sing from the highest mountaintop for all the world to hear.  this boy’s blue eyes, perfect teeth, and loving nature had devoured me whole, and i wasn’t going to go back to a life without him in it.  i didn’t know how to love him at first, and he didn’t know how to love me either.  we struggled through the ups and the downs, but at the core of us was an unconditional love.  a love that was worth dying for.  the short time we had shared together had been the most living i had done in my life combined.  love takes time.  our love needed to be nurtured, learned, appreciated.  i made a vow on this special day to be committed to the perfect love.  on the day of his birth i want him to know that this love we share, this special gift God has given us to experience together is ours forever.  the lowest lows will never outweigh the highest of highs.  we don’t have to suffer.  together we can take on the world with ease.  we must be patient, and always keep close to our hearts our special love.  if we can do that there is nothing that can phase us in a way we can’t recover from, and make us stronger.  life is short, the days begin to disappear at an alarmingly fast rate.  as the world buzzes and blurs around me i find peace in his eyes.  his smile is worth living for.  i crave his touch.  his laughter lights up my world.  the perfect love is not in creating something perfect but realizing that it already is perfect.  i love him with every ounce of my being.  today we celebrate another year of his beauty on earth.  his passion and his vigor for life.  today thirty-one years ago is the day God gave us this wonderful man who has made such a difference in the world already and will continue to do so until he draws his last breath.  i’m not sure he will ever know the impact he has made on the world, but the world knows how grateful we are to have such an amazing, passionate man blazing his light through his heart for everyone to see.  i share a life with this man, and am honored to call him mine.  Happy Birthday Baby.  i love you.  

a presence.

in an instant my whole life was changed.  i felt a hand reach into my chest and fingers curl delicately around my heart.  it was safe, liberating.  i exhaled a full breath and i was able to relax.  oxygen invigorated my lungs, and i was able to feel life being dispersed through my body.  with each exhale i expelled a little more fear that i had bottled up inside myself over the years.  it was my protection, my thick skin.  but i didn't need it anymore.  that fear i had grown so accustomed to carrying around was starting to vanish.  i felt lighter and lighter as if i might just float right up into the sky amongst the stars.  i had always dreamed of the freedom to fly, to escape this world and zoom through the night and dance on the moon.  for the first time, this felt possible.  it was christmas eve and i was celebrating your birthday, and instead you gave me the most precious gift of all.  i am loved, i felt loved amidst all my flaws, you accept me just as i am.  that paradigm shift has acted as a catalyst towards empowerment, but more importantly towards the realization that i'm never alone.  that night you cradled me, you let me cry, and invited my eyes to see things they had never seen before, and my heart to feel things i didn't know existed.  you burst a light into my soul that has started healing from within.  the healing process is slow, but you are patient.  each day i find another piece of my shattered voice.  my deepest desires and dreams are unbeknownst to anyone because they have been unable to find life anywhere but in my head.  but when i'm ready and the world is ready my dreams will take on a life of their own, and explode like a firework lighting the darkness with a message that cannot be ignored.

merry christmas.

christmas morning inspires hope.  around the world children wake with wild smiles as realization shakes their groggy brains excited by the treasures about to be discovered beneath the tree.  families are brought together to celebrate their love, and the love of Jesus.  a mother looks on with a teary eye as she watches her creations pull and rip apart the carefully wrapped presents.  she glows with pride as they prance around giggling as they accept her love and gifts.  a quiet brother sits patiently awaiting his turn.  his love penetrates the room silently, but powerfully captivates each family member as they share a moment as they meet eyes.  a charmingly spoiled sister makes a fashionably late appearance rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she graces us with her presence.  hair perfectly curled and falling just below her shoulders, it wouldn't be christmas without her.  a loving boyfriend has joined the family, as he's welcomed with i love yous and warm embraces.  a father breaks the ice with a silly dance move or a random outburst in what is almost recognized as a christmas song.  i watch my worlds come together as one on this amazingly special day.  everything i have ever hoped and prayed for is taking form and the brightest of futures is just around the corner.  it's no longer about how many presents are under the tree, but instead about the amount of love present on this celebratory day.  this christmas is already the most special of my life because i have everyone in this world who means the most to me.  an unexpected love has come exploding into my life, stealing my heart, and holding my hand as he has made the decision to walk through life with me by his side.  i close my eyes and take a deep breath as i absorb the beauty in the room.  love is contagious and inspires us all to be the best people we know how to be.  christmas can be that excuse to let down your guard, and forgive those we hold resentments towards.  sometimes we need a little encouragement to show and tell others how much we love and appreciate them.  God is good.  merry christmas and a happy end to 2011, the most fabulous year of my life. 

a thought.

a thought is born in an instant.  it materializes and can never be unborn.  it transcends all attempts to control.  it grows so large every neuron is firing as quick as lightening and even still there’s just a small hope of keeping up with its exponential growth.  it mutates, overshadows, and extinguishes any light or space that had previously been unoccupied.  a thought is a losing battle.  it wins.  it tends to be my most unwanted enemy or my very best friend.  a thought is an army.  it marches across the hemispheres of the brain with a purpose.  tagging close behind are the minions unlocking the floodgates of emotion.  a thought never stands alone.  it is always accompanied by the most intense euphoria or the most demonic hate or any emotion in between.  a thought leaves the brain and now controls the entire body.  a thought runs through your veins like a poison once it enters the bloodstream.  a thought can inspire action.  a thought can change your day.  a single thought can change the world.  once the thought has run its course new thoughts have the opportunity to be born.  it’s the beauty of a thought.  it happens.  but once it happens, it’s over.  the danger lies in dwelling on a thought. 

a typical morning.

every morning i wake to hot air being expelled across the nape of my neck.  slowly escaping my dreams and reentering the real world, i am welcomed back by a loving embrace.  i feel his soft lips brush gently across my sensitive morning skin, and one eye begins to reluctantly struggle open.  the sun's ambitious rays remind me that another day is breaking, and it's time to begin a new adventure.  the thought of taking on this day can sometimes be an overwhelming first thought.  i feel a reassuring hand find mine beneath the covers and i remember i'm not alone.  as fingers interlace, we become one.  we take on the world together.  as consciousness finds its way solidly into my mind, i hear a whispered "i love you" in my ear.  an uncontrollable smile spreads like fire across my face, as a shiver races down my spine and through the remaining untouched parts of my body.  the blanket is tucked tightly around our entangled beings, and i am resistant to their removal.  the frigid air is unwelcome.  we are safe and warm beneath the sheets, basking in the heat our bodies radiate.  sometimes i swear i could lay like that for eternity.  lost in a world between fantasy and reality.  as my cells begin to wake, my limbs start to become restless.  it's time to get up.  we roll around, giggling for a few minutes before we shed the final lingering moments of night.  and just like a dream they disappear, sure to be forgotten until tomorrow morning when we do it all again. 

true love.

i believe big love comes around once in a lifetime.  my time is now and every day forward.  i was blessed with the most amazing man on the planet, and i can do nothing but thank God everyday for such a blessing.  he is loving, caring, sensitive, handsome, unique, incredibly talented, and above all loves and accepts me exactly as i am.  i was wary of true love.  i wasn't sure it existed in such a tainted world, i definitely didn't know if i'd ever find it... yet here i am inches from his beautiful body.  i wake up glowing with excitement as i get to live another day in this real life fantasy we have created.  i question what i did before he came dancing into my life, turning it upside down.  he challenges me to be my very best, and will accept nothing less.  and for that i owe him everything.  he believes in the best of me, and i the best in him.  love is beautiful, and a feeling that cannot be captured by words.  it sends electricity through every atom in your body and shocks your spirit awake.  it smiles just because and laughs often.  it is forgiving and never judges.  it makes the world go round.  it shifts perceptions, and offers a new set of eyes.  it's rediscovery.  my soul sings out with every kiss.  and i realized just how amazing life is.  i have been given an opportunity of a life time.  i love you.