freedom.

you think that if you are free you will no longer be tethered to responsibility.  in actuality, you will be forced to witness your own actions and stand alone in their repercussions.  freedom comes with a price, and one that you are willing to pay until you reach such a deep deficit you wish you could give it back.  what you really desire is to be free from your conscience.  so, take your freedom.  try it out.  let me know how it feels.  when you're wading out in the worrisome waters alone, you will be wishing you had traded in your misinterpreted "freedom" for stability.  to be free does not mean to be free from guilt, to be free from consequence, to be free from your thoughts.  to be free is to live a life founded in reality and swept up in magic.  freedom is living into who you know you're supposed to be and basking in its vulnerability.  i am free.  i wish you'd join me. 

movement.

as the days draw to a close, and the moon shines high above our heads, i am excited to drift off into dream land and let my imagination run rampant while my body restores itself for the oncoming hours of sunlight.  everyday there is some struggle, yet everyday there is some miracle to match.  we try to create patterns and find stability in routine, yet the moments that affect us the most are usually unplanned and a complete surprise.  you were unplanned and a complete surprise.  all the hours that have accumulated getting to know you, yet in this instance i feel as though you're someone i've just barely been allowed to understand.  somehow in the distance that's wedged its way between us, a trust has grown.  perhaps it doesn't feel like every decision holds the weight of the world anymore.  i slide one step further, and i can see the ice is growing very thin.  the crisp cutting cold of the sleepless water beneath my feet dances dangerously, reminding me of the fierce fate flowing directly below.  but when i take my eyes off my fear, and put them on you the roaring rush falls away and a subtle silence replaces it.  one step at a time.  not too much pressure.  carefully and meticulously travel in the direction of your dream.  so i keep my eyes ahead, and my body begins to ease its way into an unpredictable yet consistent forward motion, knowing one day i will be part of your promise. 

alone, but not lonely.

i am alone, but i'm not lonely.  i was never sure i'd understand what that meant, but now i do.  the task of loving myself is still work, but i stand here breathing in the nervous butterflies of a brilliantly bright future with no plans.  for the first time, i am asking me to love myself.  not just parts of myself, all of myself.  i have loved many with all of my heart and soul, and i'd like to do that for me.  i fall in love all the time and it's my favorite feeling in the world, but for the first time i feel good crawling into my bed at night with a happy heart and calm conscience.  i have often confused chaos with love.  and let me tell you sometimes they are one in the same.  but i finally see the world through a crystal clear lens of independence.  relationships will test you.  they will expose your rawest nerves.  they will flaunt your greatest insecurities, yet without them you wouldn't even know you needed the time and space to heal and grow.  so to everyone who has graciously given me their time and their love, and to everyone i have joyously shared myself with, thank you.  life is a beautifully broken and treacherous journey at times, but being strong on your own only makes you the perfect person to take on the world with together. 

focus.

there's something exciting about new beginnings that breathe life into an otherwise bleak situation.  i crave routine and consistency yet love nothing more than adventuring into the abyss with my hand tucked into yours.  to end up lost in a town that has no meaning, except now it reminds me of you.  the gray sky is beautiful and our laughter gets swallowed up by the lake shore breeze as we pretend not to be nervous.  even if all we share is this brief moment in time, i am grateful for the opportunity to smile at something unexpected.  i let go of an idea and in rushes the reality that is floating just ahead.  each moment materializes and my heart begins to race with endless possibility.  you're face is just out of focus, just out of reach for my mind, but i know one day you'll be looking at me the same way i already know i look at you.   

the aftermath.

as i emerged from my apartment on wednesday following the election there was an eerie stillness in l.a., it felt like a post apocalyptic dead zone.  everyone's eyes were red from crying or staying up all through the night to watch the results roll in.  i must still be dreaming. 

the real truth: i wasn't expecting to be so utterly heartbroken by this election.  mostly because i didn't think this result was an actual possibility.  but low and behold, here we are.  it took me several days to get my thoughts and my words together after shedding many tears.  i came to the conclusion that i have a responsibility in the result, and now it's on me to use my voice.  i didn't initially see the point in getting involved in political conversations, mostly because i don't feel educated enough on the matter.  but what this boiled down to was plain and simple (for me).  the FIRST characteristic we teach our children is kindness.  be a good person.  that's what defines you.  not how much money you make, not who you marry, not the color of your skin, nothing else matters.  and thus it made my decision a no brainer.  you may not stand "with her" but at least if we had elected her we would've proved to ourselves and the rest of the world that we may not be perfect but we're open to trying to be progressive.  (and many of you may feel this way about "him" and i can even see how his radical behavior might be attractive in the short term, but you just stepped into a 4 year relationship.  4 years is a long time, and i bet you don't have too many intimate partners in your personal life that have lasted that long.)

now speaking as a woman, perhaps i will lose a few of you here, and that's okay with me.  i feel vulnerable.  for the first time i have to pull my head from the sand and look people in the eye and realize they openly think what i have always felt.  i am less than.  i am a pretty face or a nice ass.  i am too emotional.  but now i stand with those statements unprotected.  it is now okay to lose your manners and openly say those things to me, and there is no consequence because the leader of our nation also believes those things.  if i felt scared walking down the street alone before, i definitely feel worse about it now.  

so the silver lining.  we can no longer sit dormant.  we can no longer perpetuate a society that ignores the truth.  we can no longer say we don't have racism here, or sexism, or any other "ism".

  
and women.  i'm calling you out.  a huge part of why this election was lost was because we are divided.  women (i think by nature) are competitive and instead of supporting each other we prefer to stand divided.  but it's got to stop.  if we teamed up we are so capable of doing things for this nation that could never be done without us.  men stick together, they have the team mentality, they get taught it from a very young age.  women we need to do the same.  i stand with her because she represents me.  she may not be the "perfect" candidate and she may have done some shitty things in her life, but don't look with such hateful blaming eyes when i don't think you stand in the light without some smudges on your record - i know i don't. 

but i love you.  no matter who you voted for, whether you agree with me or not, i am grateful to have this right and to exercise it, and to have you take the time to read it and maybe be challenged to think a little differently.  tell someone today you love them.  or simply smile.  it goes a long way.

words.

most people fling words around like they have no meaning.  you on the other hand hold them so tightly it's as if the only way to part the space between your lips is to insult you.  i just want to know your mind.  you won't run out of words i promise.  as mindless as it is to breathe, it is to speak.  i truly appreciate your steadfast ways of utilizing language yet i yearn to understand the inner workings of your brain.  i watch beautiful images dance behind your eyes and want to be given the chance to see everything as you do.  try me.  i promise i won't hurt your world, i just want a chance to be part of it.  i'm a visitor.  i'm not moving in.  i can't own or steal your thoughts, i just want to feel the things you feel and never share.  it's not healthy you know, holding onto it the way you do.  you're suffocating yourself, though it feels like the world is suffocating you. 

something more.

there's more than meets the eye.  always. 
what is said is most likely not what is meant.  so, read between the lines.  
it's a balancing act of reading your mind, yet not assuming anything because i could always be wrong.  but am i wrong?  probably not.  which to be honest is my biggest fear, because then i'm just pulling the wool over my own eyes... convincing myself it isn't what it seems.  the facts in front of me were formed out of fear, not love.  or were they?  i should know better.  but i don't because the circumstances change like water and it never stands still long enough for me to get a handle on it. 
so i trip and fall down.  again and again and again and again and again.  it's tiring.  but i'll get back up.  the question is this time will you be standing in the future?  there's a small part of me that just hopes you're not.  then it isn't me who couldn't handle the fall out, it was you.  i'm not sure why, but somehow that feels better.  and then i remember the feeling in the early morning as dawn is breaking.  in a deep slumber with unadulterated thoughts you reach out under the covers and draw me into your chest and we begin to breathe as one.  and it's the feeling that has me hooked on you like a drug deep in my veins that i can't live without.  but the drug doesn't feel anything... just the person who uses it.  

certainty.

to be unsure is to be certain.
to be certain is to lie. 
but to lie is to be found in the midst of an unknown state of mind.  today i like it.  tomorrow not at all.  but it was the truth when i said it.  so just know that.
moments are fleeting instances that pass and then they're gone.  so let them go, don't try to hold them.  they will join the other moments in the sky casting a cloud over your city.  you'll exhaust yourself chasing the shadows of an idea, so witness them and let them slip through your fingers.  find what is real.  fate is ours.  so just wait a moment, i'll dance down the road and into your soul.

tomorrow.

'i remembered him and i felt his presence in my existence.  he was my secret, tomorrow and always.  i’m mad i ever had to share him with the world.  nothing made sense unless i saw it through his eyes.  but through his eyes was the only way i wanted to witness the world.  colors exploded across the sky, and a symphony of sounds came together to be the soundtrack to my life.  and lowly in the background i could always hear him whisper.  i am you.  you are me.  tripping into a tomorrow that we would never actually hold.  but my heart beats of you, and the fabric of my life will forever drape its soft surroundings, keeping me safe beneath the sun, moon and stars.' 

- a little excerpt from a project near and dear to me

up.

left.  right.  left.  right.  left.  right. 

up. 

wait what?  

up, look up.  pause.  stop.  breathe.  sigh.  

routines die hard, and love takes time.   but i promise it's worth it.  embrace the anxiety as it comes and goes as it pleases.  love the moments that make no sense.  find hope in nothing but the fact that the sun rose today, and the moon will follow.  soak up the energy of the touch of another human's arms wrapped around you, it's a reflection of His grace.  nothing is by accident, and together we make one picture.  sometimes we need to slow down and gain perspective.  we get so focused on what is right in front of us.  expand your mind, challenge yourself to look at it from an aerial view.  

whoa.  it looks so different.  

if you do these things, which only take moments, you will find the freedom to choose.  choose whatever it is you want to feel, wherever it is you want to go, whoever it is you want to see.  life is beautiful, even if sometimes it's too dark to see it.  if you can't do it for you, be the star to light the way for someone else... in doing so you'll also find yourself. 

remember this.

memories move and manipulate this man made reality.  

to remember - or more accurately misremember - the events that, i would say, have shaped me and my life.  but i feel okay about it, because my memories are my own and they are there to serve me. 

there are memories burned so deeply into my consciousness i can remember every detail everyday... the way it smelled, how he looked, the way it felt the first time he ran his fingers over my face, the shock of electricity that trickled through my body when his lips touched mine.  

and there are other moments that people tell me i was there for that i can't remember my own existence.  

life is a journey, a collection of things, of moments and from that collection we make memories.  and when we look back and watch the pictures replay in our minds we can enjoy each moment again as if it's new.  because as we play it back, we have learned and grown and changed and nothing is ever the same twice.  

be a witness to your own life.  enjoy each kiss like it's the first time, because really... it is.  

ashes.

i have fallen to ashes and honestly nothing i cling to resembles who i am today.  it hurts.  a lot.  as i feel my way through the darkness i am praying for light to come from any direction so i can start heading toward it.  but, i can't see anything in the pitch black abyss.  

faith.  blind faith. 

but is faith so blind when i can feel it.  just because i can't see it or tangibly hold it doesn't mean it's not real, right?  

love isn't a thing you can hold or touch, but it's a human experience we all crave to participate in.  

as my particles begin to reassemble, in a way i never thought they would, i can feel my dust swirling.  hope, as if air, is being pumped into my nonexistent body and suddenly i start to glitter.  i can't see further than one step ahead of me, but that's all i need.       

unconditional.

unconditional love.  rare.  special.  one of a kind.  the type of love that unearths the darkest part of your soul, but loves you still.  a love with no boundaries.  no rules.  forgiving.  kind.  gentle.  harsh.  whatever it is you need, it helps you find it.  a love with no fear.  because no matter how far into the darkness you go, it always shines a light bright enough to lead you out. 

be good.

why does being good matter?  i don't want to be average or okay.  i only want to be the best or the whole endeavor feels like a waste of time.

so every time i fall short (which is often) it feels life shattering... and in that moment it is.  i know i should call out for some help.  there's nothing wrong with asking for help.  in fact, i love when people ask me for help.  but when it comes to my own life i never ask.  when i'm at my most vulnerable i like to be alone.  the kind of alone where the entire world falls away and i can retreat to the dark where i can pretend for however brief a time i'm the only being that exists.

it feels better that way.  being alone makes me happy in a way.  the kind of happy i can predict.  so i suppose it's not so happy at all but even.  i like being even.  i think it's why we all try to make routines and become comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't force us to grow.  the growing pains are agonizing.  i force myself into situations a lot where i'm asked to change or maneuver or expand.  and it hurts.  but at the end of the journey i'm always grateful for the distance i've traveled.  i propel myself one step closer into the dreamland i see floating in the distance.  it's a happy world, and i should be a part of it.

fall together.

i'm tumbling, bumbling, plummeting faster and faster.  my stomach hangs in free fall as i try to decipher which way is up.  i can't.  i keep waiting for the impact but it never seems to come.  i'm pretty sure my fear of the impact will be worse than the hit.  but, if i can just reach the bottom i can start the journey back to the top.  or perhaps i'm falling upward?  maybe i'll land somewhere among the stars.  that's a nice thought.  with each passing moment or hour or day the momentum keeps building.  there's no way to stop it and there's no way out.  or there is... but...  life is funny like that.  i'd love a pause button, or a hold on just a brief second and let me orient myself.  but no, somehow that's too logical and not at all how it works.  so i continue to fall.  i guess if i embrace the journey it's not too bad.  it's kinda exhilarating not knowing where you're headed or how things will end up.  luckily i'm not the only one, i see blurs zooming around me... i guess we're all in this together.  sometimes we collide with others, that's the only time we're sure we're not in this alone though.  i think it's why we're all so addicted to finding someone to take this leap with.  makes it a tiny bit less scary knowing we're connected to one another.  so we fall through life colliding and collecting on our way up or down.  we link together and suddenly we become a net catching more and more people.  we begin to form a point of reference amongst ourselves and can laugh and smile and sing and suddenly falling doesn't really feel like falling.  i think that's what living feels like.  

we can do better.

i've been at a loss for words. 

it's a little bit weird for me.  which makes the uneasy feeling in my stomach that much worse. 

how can we pretend we know best?  how can we play God?  life is so so precious, and in an instant it's ripped from your body and tossed into the abyss.  

the topic has been talked about and talked about and talked about and the only answer that keeps rising to the top is love. 

i can't turn a blind eye to the hate that hangs in the air around us.  it slowly seeps into our souls and before we know it we're surrounded by a feeling that isn't our own.  but we must stand firm and united.  we can't use this as an excuse to say "i told you so." and also, if we can shrink the macro to the micro for just a second... this is a lesson we can scale into our daily lives. 

answer the call with love.  no one is perfect, but in order to make the right decisions in the high pressure situations it needs to be a daily practice.  so the next time you have every right to say "i told you so" say something else.  pause just long enough to think about why one might be acting in a way that desires love, but is manifesting as something rough and mean.  

we can all do better.  we can all show up and be better versions of ourselves, but in a world that seems hopeless can you be that ray of sunshine someone needs to see their way? 

together.

together in silence we lay staring at the ceiling.  usually my brain would race for a clever thing to say, but instead your fingers wrap around mine and i feel no pressure to do anything but be.  silence used to force its anxiety through me.  silence used to be something i dreaded.  all day thoughts bounce between my ears fighting to be so important i open my mouth to let them out, but next to you they all fade away.  you begin to tell me a story, and i lose myself in the low rumble of your voice.  as you speak your essence finds its way into my soul, and it doesn't feel crowded.

when it's quiet.

when it's quiet we have to answer to ourselves. 

i love noise and chaos and people and distractions... but when it comes down to it they stand between me and myself. 

why am i so uncomfortable asking myself the hard questions?  i have no problem asking you.  in fact, i want to know... i want you to tell me, to share your truth, because then i become a little more special and i know that much more about what makes up the pieces of who you are.  

so here i sit in (almost) silence wishing the words would come to me, the answers to my life's questions.  they don't.  

maybe it's the effort that counts.  the fact that i can sit in stillness for however short amount of time and reflect on that day, or hour, or moment.  i can obsess or stew on something that hurt me or i can let go of something that no longer serves me.  

it doesn't have to be a practice of perfection.  it just needs to be a practice in general.  

getting to know yourself is a daily task.  it takes time and commitment as any relationship does.  i pray i am always faced with the challenge.  at least then i know i'm changing and change is good.  change to me equals growth.  i hope i'm never the person i was a year ago.  i should have to get to know myself all over again. and again. and again.  

try again.

the scariest part is to try again.  

it's easy to walk away.  we have all become escape artists that have learned to hide from life and we forcefully forget to feel our feelings.  it's nice to be comfortably numb.  it's convenient to pretend we don't care.  but why don't we all get really honest and just say what we need to say.  nothing you can unleash is worse than the conversation i'm having in my head.  the harsh words i assume you'd use, or the cutting remarks i'll never recover from.  

yet i still choose you.  don't you get it.  yes you.  each one of you, all the time, and everyday.  you're worth it to me.  we float through life like a bubble with the constant fear of being popped while we're really more like a boulder rolling aimlessly taking down everything in our path.  we have jagged edges that poke and prod,  yet we look at everyone else like a nicely polished stone.  smooth.  and then when we collide with one another we are confused by the damage that is left behind.  you did that to me?  but when i looked at you i saw no signs of danger.  a lingering feeling of purposeful malice and intent sews itself into the healing wound.  

don't do that again.  noted.  

but why.  can't we cut each other some slack.  do you have life figured out?  i didn't think so.  so give me grace.  give me time to work this out and to make it up to you and to apologize for all the wrongs i've committed that i had no idea i was committing.  and i promise in return i will do the same for you.  i will be the open door when the last 3 were slammed in your face.  i will be the place where you can cry and there is no consequence.  i will love you, because that's what we're meant to do.  

i don't care if you hurt me.  it means i care enough to be hurt.  don't destroy me, that takes effort.  but if you give me a scar that i can carry for the rest of my life i can know i cared enough to forgive you.  i worked hard enough and i sought after my soul.  i found myself back at the beginning, and the beginning is only love.  

so try again.  pick up your pieces and be willing to share them.  we are not ourselves without the pieces of other people we have gathered.  so don't be stingy.  forgive me.  forgive him.  forgive her.  they've earned it.  these feelings are not unique, they are universal.  so instead of pushing people away because they're real, can't we unite?  

anyway.  i love you.  that was the point of all of this.  to tell you i love you.  

the nook.

you know why falling in love is so scary and amazing at the same time?  it happens really fast and all at once.  before my brain has time to say no, before my heart can decipher what it's feeling i utterly and completely fall head over heels into love land.  i trip and tumble into a pink haze of bliss where the sun always shines and the blue silky sky is an endless abyss of hope and possibility -- when all of a sudden lightening bolts of reality rip through the night.  i'm crashing down to earth and gaining speed.  the cotton candy clouds and rainbow roads begin to fall off into the distance.  the speck of ground that was so far away is becoming clearer and the free fall feeling of joy becomes one of panic.  i go to pull the rip cord, but of course i was in such a hurry to love you that i forgot to put on my parachute.  "oh (insert exclamation)"  as the vibrantly green grass grows nearer, it's surely to be the end of me.  i shoot up and can't catch my breath.  ah, just a dream, as my hands reach around the bed frantically searching for something real to hold on to.  a nervous giggle erupts finding its way into the still room.  my hand finds the warmth of you and latches on.  "so it is real?"  the morning mind fog hangs heavy in my head.  before there's time to figure it out i retract to the nook.  that one spot where i always fit just right.  it's the stillness i crave.  not the excitement and the chaos, but that place where i find peace and feel safe enough to drift back to dreamland.  that really honest place between sleep and awake, unadulterated by my own thoughts where i only have that feeling in my gut that says "yes."  so that's why love is so scary and amazing at the same time.  it's involuntary and all consuming.  it doesn't make any sense, and changes in an instant.  it's unpredictable, and even volatile at times, but it's the thing that designs my dreams and the moments that make up my life. 

in reflection to another passing year.

the clock strikes 8 pm, another year has passed.  

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! how do you feel?" he asks.  

"well, the same but different?" i reply.  

birthdays are a funny thing.  they are meant to be a celebration, but the past 365 days have been so life altering and so amazing that it's hard to make time or put forth more effort to pretend this day is more special than the rest.  yet there is still a feeling of loss.  loss of time.  loss of youth.  it's not that i'm old, or far behind, or not where i should be... because i have faith i'm always where i'm supposed to be at any given moment... but there's just "something" that doesn't feel quite right.  i scold myself for being anything but happy, and remind myself just to be grateful for all that i do have.  and then it hits me like a ton of bricks dropped on my head.  it's my birthday.  it's the day i was brought into existence to be part of something bigger than myself.  in one year i have experienced: heartbreak, new relationships, falling in love, making new friends - the kind you search a lifetime for, anger, frustration, bliss, hope, darkness... there wasn't an experience i was spared in the last year, from april 27th, 2015 to april 27th, 2016.  and how lucky am i.  though it's not always sunshine and rainbows i draw air into my lungs and exhale hope into my dreams everyday... and for that i will always be proud.  i sit for hours and laugh and talk shit with my friends and family. i smile because my sister is my best friend.  i cry when something makes me sad.  i cry when i'm with my 'wave women' because we love each other and life so freaking much we can't help ourselves.  i pray for the homeless people on the streets who are so strung out they don't even acknowledge my existence.  i beam when he looks at me in that way only someone in love does.  i hold hands with my friends in pain, and they hold mine when i don't want to get out of bed that day.  i am so beyond blessed on this birthday that i want to tell each of you who contribute to the memories that make up my life thank you.  it's that simple.  without you, i am not me.  thank you to God, my amazing mother, my sister, my brother, my boyfriend, my best friends, my acquaintances, my teachers, the strangers who work at the grocery stores... THANK YOU. i am the most loved and cherished little munch on the planet, and that's simply because i opened my eyes and said yes to all the blessings that exist in this life.  perhaps, this is what they mean when they say older and wiser.  it's nothing more than a shift in perspective that invites you to see the world through the most beautiful lens. 

anxious.

i can't... i can't... i can't... stop the words from racing around my head.  i watch them run circles, but they're moving so fast i'm unable to read what they're trying to say.  tricky tricksters if you ask me.  distractions of the worst kind.  down the rabbit hole they say.  no thanks i reply.  but they're insistent.  they're inescapable.  close my eyes, i think, that will help.  wrong.  in the darkness more and more words begin to flash in front of my closed eyelids.  okay, i surrender.  all at once a flood of ideas, inspirations, and doubts come crashing into my consciousness.  where to begin?  overwhelmed.  the list keeps growing longer.  i can do that.  great.  no problem.  yup.  well shit.  no not that.  ugh.  really?  okay.  i can't.  in the silence of the dark i scream out.  it's earth shattering to me as i disturb the sleeping night.  anxiety is vibrating through me as my limbs begin to tremble.  so.  much.  to.  do.  it's the middle of the night, i can't get started til morning.  not an option, do it now.  my shaky hands grab the computer and try to type.  this isn't working.  sometimes my mind doesn't belong to me.  perhaps it's my body.  either way efficiency is out of the question.  "i tried," i think as frustration slams the computer screen shut.  blackness.  quiet.  even if it's just for a split second, i revel in it.  

beautiful something.

i could sit and watch you think for hours.  every thought that enters your mind lights you up from the inside.  each one becomes committed to memory with vibrant colors that explode in front of your eyes.  my imagination runs wild, and i'm transfixed by the way your brain works.  i watch the empty space in front of your lips become a beautiful something with every word you splash into the open air.  i wish i saw the world the way you do.  by the time you finish your sentence the image focuses and i'm finally able to see what you see.  i almost feel like i should look away it's so unique,  your secret.  your gaze meets mine and i realize you want me to soak in the scenery, though it's not something you share often.  i could get used to this, letting you paint me pictures of how you see the world. 

it's exactly as it should be.

there's something about you that makes me smile. 

an ignition of inspiration, or the gentle shiver you send through me as you run your fingers up and down my spine.  a feeling most long for yet somehow it sparks so easily between us.  i guess that's a bit concerning, the idea of feeling.  i'd been comfortably numb for so long it seemed almost a desperate act to undo what had already been done. 

but i opened my eyes, and there you were.  you were staring through me, silent.  your never ending thoughts started to swirl like dust and i could feel the heat rise to my face.  a telepathic alien language that belonged to outer space danced its way into my brain, but i understood it, and realized it was ours. 

as suddenly as it began, it felt normal.  it felt like it was always supposed to feel this way.  maybe it's too soon, and maybe it's dramatic, or maybe sometimes it's exactly as it should be.