try again.

the scariest part is to try again.  

it's easy to walk away.  we have all become escape artists that have learned to hide from life and we forcefully forget to feel our feelings.  it's nice to be comfortably numb.  it's convenient to pretend we don't care.  but why don't we all get really honest and just say what we need to say.  nothing you can unleash is worse than the conversation i'm having in my head.  the harsh words i assume you'd use, or the cutting remarks i'll never recover from.  

yet i still choose you.  don't you get it.  yes you.  each one of you, all the time, and everyday.  you're worth it to me.  we float through life like a bubble with the constant fear of being popped while we're really more like a boulder rolling aimlessly taking down everything in our path.  we have jagged edges that poke and prod,  yet we look at everyone else like a nicely polished stone.  smooth.  and then when we collide with one another we are confused by the damage that is left behind.  you did that to me?  but when i looked at you i saw no signs of danger.  a lingering feeling of purposeful malice and intent sews itself into the healing wound.  

don't do that again.  noted.  

but why.  can't we cut each other some slack.  do you have life figured out?  i didn't think so.  so give me grace.  give me time to work this out and to make it up to you and to apologize for all the wrongs i've committed that i had no idea i was committing.  and i promise in return i will do the same for you.  i will be the open door when the last 3 were slammed in your face.  i will be the place where you can cry and there is no consequence.  i will love you, because that's what we're meant to do.  

i don't care if you hurt me.  it means i care enough to be hurt.  don't destroy me, that takes effort.  but if you give me a scar that i can carry for the rest of my life i can know i cared enough to forgive you.  i worked hard enough and i sought after my soul.  i found myself back at the beginning, and the beginning is only love.  

so try again.  pick up your pieces and be willing to share them.  we are not ourselves without the pieces of other people we have gathered.  so don't be stingy.  forgive me.  forgive him.  forgive her.  they've earned it.  these feelings are not unique, they are universal.  so instead of pushing people away because they're real, can't we unite?  

anyway.  i love you.  that was the point of all of this.  to tell you i love you.  

the nook.

you know why falling in love is so scary and amazing at the same time?  it happens really fast and all at once.  before my brain has time to say no, before my heart can decipher what it's feeling i utterly and completely fall head over heels into love land.  i trip and tumble into a pink haze of bliss where the sun always shines and the blue silky sky is an endless abyss of hope and possibility -- when all of a sudden lightening bolts of reality rip through the night.  i'm crashing down to earth and gaining speed.  the cotton candy clouds and rainbow roads begin to fall off into the distance.  the speck of ground that was so far away is becoming clearer and the free fall feeling of joy becomes one of panic.  i go to pull the rip cord, but of course i was in such a hurry to love you that i forgot to put on my parachute.  "oh (insert exclamation)"  as the vibrantly green grass grows nearer, it's surely to be the end of me.  i shoot up and can't catch my breath.  ah, just a dream, as my hands reach around the bed frantically searching for something real to hold on to.  a nervous giggle erupts finding its way into the still room.  my hand finds the warmth of you and latches on.  "so it is real?"  the morning mind fog hangs heavy in my head.  before there's time to figure it out i retract to the nook.  that one spot where i always fit just right.  it's the stillness i crave.  not the excitement and the chaos, but that place where i find peace and feel safe enough to drift back to dreamland.  that really honest place between sleep and awake, unadulterated by my own thoughts where i only have that feeling in my gut that says "yes."  so that's why love is so scary and amazing at the same time.  it's involuntary and all consuming.  it doesn't make any sense, and changes in an instant.  it's unpredictable, and even volatile at times, but it's the thing that designs my dreams and the moments that make up my life.