i wonder.

i didn't know that missing you would feel the same as losing you.  as i replay each memory in my mind, i wonder if it was as beautiful as i've remembered it to be. as each hour passes i feel like i'm slipping further and further into the back of your brain and i'm worried you won't recognize me the next time i see you.  i find myself typing texts and then deleting them over and over again.  insecurity's ugly face flaunts herself in front of me.  but when i finally slip off to sleep i find i am smiling as i faintly hear your voice whisper "how lucky am i?"  and just like that i'm falling all over again for a boy who i'm not sure wants me to love him.  but i won't deny myself the wonder of what could be.  so as you travel around the world picking up pieces of yourself, don't forget you also carry a piece of me, and i hope that makes you smile.  i really can't wait to hear your laugh, i think that's what i miss the most.  

not yet ready.

the funny thing is, i know how to love you but i have no idea how to love me.  i know your favorite color, and the face you make when you're trying to hide your excitement.  i know when you're happy, and especially when you're not.  i know what your favorite food is and how to hold you when you want to give up.  but i have no idea how to love me.  on the nights i spend alone, i lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering why i feel like there's someone lying with me that i know nothing about.  a stranger who doesn't belong.  if i close my eyes i'm certain i'll be confronted with the face of someone i'm not yet ready to know, but if i leave my eyes open i am awkwardly aware of the being that desires to be acknowledged.  so just keep moving.  if i don't stand still long enough for my innocence to catch me, i'll never have to protect me from myself. 

all there is.

sometimes i wake up and forget who i am.  i drift around my memories for a moment trying to remember.  it's an endless journey into a dream filled phenomenon.  beautiful colors fly by, emotions emanate through me, and then it all falls black.  in the depths of the darkness i try to picture myself, but all i can see is a vibrant blur of ideas.  the essence of my soul is the only thing i recognize.
                               you give me perspective.  you reflect back to me the parts of me i cannot see.  sometimes i wish i could crawl into your eyes and make a home there, just for a brief moment.  "lend me your eyes so i can see myself," i think.  if you see me the way i think you do, then maybe it's time to stop pretending this is all there is.  

away.

in the silence of my room, i close my eyes and i can hear the rise and fall of your chest.  your heart beats a beautiful rhythm that lulls my racing mind into a state of surrender.  i swear i can feel your fingers find mine beneath the blanket.  my imagination recreates the perfect moment between sleep and awake where the morning sun breaks softly across your peaceful face.  to avoid the rude interruption of the bustling day before us, i burrow myself in the space between your neck and hold my breath lying motionless.  maybe the day won't notice us.  maybe time will stand still for just a few more hours.  perhaps it's wishful thinking.  until then, i'll keep trying to lay in your arms as often as possible, absorbing your aura so i don't miss you quite so much while you're away.