confused.

i wake up and look around like a sly stranger that doesn't recognize my own life.  i can recall the moments and i remember the memories, yet somehow they feel like i didn't make them, as if they don't actually belong to me.  it's an odd feeling, feeling like you don't belong to yourself.  it's a constant questioning and mistrust of everything you think is real.  what we share is special, i know we're meant to share this earth experience together.  yet somehow misery meddles and misleads and we find ourselves lost in translation wanting to call out and say "i'm sorry" and "i love you" and letting all the pain fall away.  because that's what you do for me.  you lift up my chin and you look me in the eyes and without saying anything, you say it all.  you create just enough space for a sliver of unrelenting hope to shine through.  so as the battle wages on, know the truth is all i want is for my lips to find yours and peace to purify this momentary misuse of unattainable time. 

misremembered.

i tried to convince myself my memories were misremembered.  it eased the distance and settled my emotions into a state of even keel, and it felt nice to be able to breathe.  but the moment i saw you again my breath left my body; the way it does when stung by the freezing cold of a winter night.  it startled me, sending me tripping through the anticipation of when i could feel your arms around me again. 

fear.

fear drives me every single day.  as i fight to open my eyes and find the faith and courage to get out of bed, sometimes i just... can't.  but this cyclical roundabout is nothing but a ride that i've been on far too many times.  sometimes my thoughts are so loud i pray that all i hear is the hammering of the rain on the pavement or the traffic roaring past on the highway so as to focus my mind on something else... anything else.  my memories make me crazy as i retrace every moment, slowly murdering myself for the words i didn't say, and on occasion the ones i did.  i've been fearful to put my pen to paper and exploit my thoughts because i don't want everyone to know just how deep it all goes.  down the rabbit hole of hopeless days followed by long nights, reignited by glimmers of success.  my dreams mean more to me than you will ever know, and i grasp them with desperate fingers as fear tries to pull them back one by one.  but my dreams mean too much for me to lose the war and let them go.  so i get up to fight my fears another day.  this rocky road has never been what i imagined it should be, but i've always adapted to the realization that it's exactly as it's supposed to be.  thank you, fear, for making me uncomfortable, and constantly elevating creativity.