if i've ever assaulted you with silence, as you stare at me blankly waiting for the words to wind their way out of my mouth here is why.
as you ask me a simple, but emotional, question it goes off like a bomb in my ears. i'm disoriented and the fragmented words that were hanging around scatter. "come back," i think, that's what i want to say. and on repeat i hear my voice scream them over and over, yet every time i go to open my mouth to let them out i feel the invisible wire of anxiety pull my teeth closer together. it's a vice grip and the harder i fight it the less likely i am to say anything at all. my face gets hot and the heat radiates electrically through me, as your eyes penetrate my soul with every passing millisecond that feels like an eternity. i stutter and stammer as i beg my body to just listen to my mind, but it doesn't. so instead tears start to well up and i watch as you roll your eyes in exasperation. and in that moment it all goes black. there's an incessant ringing and my hands shake as i try to regain a sense of reality. but as quickly as it started, it's over for me. so i retreat and hide hoping to bounce back fast enough that the not so big problem doesn't blow up into a bigger one, but it's rarely fast enough. so i deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces and hope you're patient enough to wait.
so if you find me staring at you, it's not that i don't care or have thoughts or things i'd like to say. it's just a step in the process of the war that wages within before i can even deal with what stands in front of me. so i'm sorry. i know it's not easy. but i do thank you for loving me enough to stand by.
