a dose of anxiety.

if i've ever assaulted you with silence, as you stare at me blankly waiting for the words to wind their way out of my mouth here is why. 

as you ask me a simple, but emotional, question it goes off like a bomb in my ears.  i'm disoriented and the fragmented words that were hanging around scatter.  "come back," i think, that's what i want to say.  and on repeat i hear my voice scream them over and over, yet every time i go to open my mouth to let them out i feel the invisible wire of anxiety pull my teeth closer together.  it's a vice grip and the harder i fight it the less likely i am to say anything at all.  my face gets hot and the heat radiates electrically through me, as your eyes penetrate my soul with every passing millisecond that feels like an eternity.  i stutter and stammer as i beg my body to just listen to my mind, but it doesn't.  so instead tears start to well up and i watch as you roll your eyes in exasperation.  and in that moment it all goes black.  there's an incessant ringing and my hands shake as i try to regain a sense of reality.  but as quickly as it started, it's over for me.  so i retreat and hide hoping to bounce back fast enough that the not so big problem doesn't blow up into a bigger one, but it's rarely fast enough.  so i deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces and hope you're patient enough to wait.

so if you find me staring at you, it's not that i don't care or have thoughts or things i'd like to say.  it's just a step in the process of the war that wages within before i can even deal with what stands in front of me.  so i'm sorry.  i know it's not easy.  but i do thank you for loving me enough to stand by.       

another year.

i sit in awe of the astonishing amount of events that have taken place in the last year.  i have never known such high highs and such low lows, but let me tell you i wouldn't be able to appreciate one without the other (as most people would say).  so, i'm grateful.  this last year has been one of pruning.  pruning the people in my life.  the things i will spend my time on.  the projects i believe in.  it has been a painful yet liberating process to truly discard, with confidence, that which no longer serves me.  i experienced lust, love, and loss.  all of which were unique experiences that exposed parts of me that still need nurturing.  i found myself in the throws of betrayal, and the bliss of dreams come true.  there are a few people (you know who you are) who have stood by me and patiently taught me life's lessons.  there are a few people who have loved me unconditionally, and for the record i love you unconditionally as well.  i have stopped taking ironic incidents for granted, and know that my life is a well laid plan.  i have learned the weight words carry, and how to use them for good and not evil.  i have found hope on dark days when it feels easier to give up. over all the one thing i keep coming back to is love.  finding ways to express it, show it, say it, pass it on.  it's such a simple gift we can give to make the world a better place, yet we hold it so selfishly as it requires vulnerability to share.  so as the minutes pass by and you find yourself in your feelings, just take a second to make whatever decision you're stewing on in love.  be honest, open and self expressed.  these are all things i have to remind myself of moment to moment, and it will be my forever mission.  but what an amazing journey.  thanks so much for all the love, and being part of my adventure.  so much love! 

i wonder.

i didn't know that missing you would feel the same as losing you.  as i replay each memory in my mind, i wonder if it was as beautiful as i've remembered it to be. as each hour passes i feel like i'm slipping further and further into the back of your brain and i'm worried you won't recognize me the next time i see you.  i find myself typing texts and then deleting them over and over again.  insecurity's ugly face flaunts herself in front of me.  but when i finally slip off to sleep i find i am smiling as i faintly hear your voice whisper "how lucky am i?"  and just like that i'm falling all over again for a boy who i'm not sure wants me to love him.  but i won't deny myself the wonder of what could be.  so as you travel around the world picking up pieces of yourself, don't forget you also carry a piece of me, and i hope that makes you smile.  i really can't wait to hear your laugh, i think that's what i miss the most.  

not yet ready.

the funny thing is, i know how to love you but i have no idea how to love me.  i know your favorite color, and the face you make when you're trying to hide your excitement.  i know when you're happy, and especially when you're not.  i know what your favorite food is and how to hold you when you want to give up.  but i have no idea how to love me.  on the nights i spend alone, i lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering why i feel like there's someone lying with me that i know nothing about.  a stranger who doesn't belong.  if i close my eyes i'm certain i'll be confronted with the face of someone i'm not yet ready to know, but if i leave my eyes open i am awkwardly aware of the being that desires to be acknowledged.  so just keep moving.  if i don't stand still long enough for my innocence to catch me, i'll never have to protect me from myself. 

all there is.

sometimes i wake up and forget who i am.  i drift around my memories for a moment trying to remember.  it's an endless journey into a dream filled phenomenon.  beautiful colors fly by, emotions emanate through me, and then it all falls black.  in the depths of the darkness i try to picture myself, but all i can see is a vibrant blur of ideas.  the essence of my soul is the only thing i recognize.
                               you give me perspective.  you reflect back to me the parts of me i cannot see.  sometimes i wish i could crawl into your eyes and make a home there, just for a brief moment.  "lend me your eyes so i can see myself," i think.  if you see me the way i think you do, then maybe it's time to stop pretending this is all there is.  

away.

in the silence of my room, i close my eyes and i can hear the rise and fall of your chest.  your heart beats a beautiful rhythm that lulls my racing mind into a state of surrender.  i swear i can feel your fingers find mine beneath the blanket.  my imagination recreates the perfect moment between sleep and awake where the morning sun breaks softly across your peaceful face.  to avoid the rude interruption of the bustling day before us, i burrow myself in the space between your neck and hold my breath lying motionless.  maybe the day won't notice us.  maybe time will stand still for just a few more hours.  perhaps it's wishful thinking.  until then, i'll keep trying to lay in your arms as often as possible, absorbing your aura so i don't miss you quite so much while you're away. 

words like weapons.

you take for granted the gravitas of your words.  i can tell by the passion pouring from your eyes that what's about to tumble from your lips might be the end of me.  bracing for impact, each syllable singes my skin.  if you truly knew how much you meant to me, you'd never wield your words like weapons.  there'd be no need. but your reality is your truth, and i've tried time and time again to shift your gaze.  yet here i am, banging my head against the wall trying to prove i'm not who you tell me i am.  why does it feel like i've retreated back to the third grade?  letting the big bully hurl hateful rhetoric in my direction in an effort to what... that i'm still not sure.  wasn't sure back then either.  i'm exhausted by the dance i'm doing to dodge the incoming blows.  then a moment of peace passes through me.  compassion.  empathy.  compassion.  the only trait that really separates us from most beasts.  "to suffer with."  hm.  think on that.  so i swallow my pride, and allow myself to feel your pain.  i digest it, and, in some form, understand it.  i'm not sure it makes a difference, but somehow in my soul i know it needs to be recognized.  after the dust has settled, leaving the coating of a soft translucent memory, i see nothing but a little boy who needs more love than i may know how to give.  it's not my job to love everyone, but i think it is my job to love you.  the unconditional way. 

i wish i would've known.

i wish i would've known from the start the way you'd make me feel.   the highs are the highest but the lows are something i never expected.  i never expected to look into your eyes and find peace.  now i'm fiending for a fix.  i'm hoping for a sliver of stillness in the quiet of your quarters.  i can't tell where we're headed.  i'm not really sure where it even all began.  but i'm swimming in the middle of the ocean with no sign of the shore.  i want to sink away into the sureness of tomorrow, but that's a gift you're not willing to give.  so i'll breathe in the salty air, and let go of what was never mine to begin with. 

left behind.

i was staring out your window making wishes on the stars that littered the light polluted sky.  it was raining, and the stop light turned green - yellow - red - green - yellow - red.  i closed my eyes and could still see the colors dancing on the wet pavement.  the water rushed along the gutter below taking with it everything that wasn't meant to be left behind.  
                                we were left behind.  
i could feel your eyes on me as you moved around my mind like magic.  i tried my best to hide the silly smile you've permanently put on my face, but there was no fighting the fact that you'd found your way toward my soul.  a rush of heat warmed me from the inside, and i knew in an instant you weren't what i expected.  i finally mustered the courage to face you.  your eyes reflected the moonlight and dreams you brought here with you.  
                     without a word i knew what you meant.  
so here we stand facing one another with the hint of hope.  we're all wrong and the timing is bad, but maybe one day we'll find the desire to dig deep and give this the chance it deserves.  until then i'll smile because i know you like no one else does, and you'll shake my soul with your honesty.  at least it's real.  
                       i'm not sure i'd want it any other way.

blush.

you tapped my forehead and asked me to let you get to know my thoughts.  it's not that i don't want to share that space with you, it's really a matter of i don't know how.  and a little of i'm not ready.  i'd like nothing more than to be seen, and not just bare naked, but in a way where you can see how all my molecules work together.  but it requires a set of words that i just don't know.  so instead you watch as my eyes dart back and forth with color and music and magic, yet all you can do is admire from afar.  you make me blush.  i don't know how.  i know your words are not unique, but somehow still i'm swooped up in the honesty of your delivery.  the heat blossoms across my face and the rose pink fades through my olive skin.  it's been a while since someone has been able to make me do that.  you put your arm around me, somehow it works even though we don't fit.  so my first thought is "i'm left with a boy who makes me blush and we don't quite fit."  stop staring at my soul, it makes me nervous.