i am willing.

i have tried to write.  putting pen to paper has been harder than it normally is.  the insight into my soul is resistant to share its inner workings.  but my conscience has forced rigorous honesty to pry open the doors to my heart.  a deadly demon is dancing a dance next to the fire it has set in my chest; the flames are burning me alive.  chaos.  i love it.  my drug of choice, if you will.  i feel the pain coursing through me, but i welcome it.  it's familiar.  i've been here before, and that seems to be more comforting than anything else in the world.  the smoke has fogged my vision, the clear sight i once had is engulfed in confusion.  and then.  silence.  the scariest noise i've ever heard.  it screams so loudly in my head i try to escape myself.  but there's no way out.  as i'm sure i'm about to die, i hear His voice.  i surrender.  i am willing.  i am grateful for one more chance to get it right.  like a snake, i shed my skin of denial.  i feel the warmth of the sun for the first time.  i am naked in my embarrassment.  a hope is born that rages so violently i might explode, and i'm not sure what to do with it.  i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but i don't recognize that it's me.  i begin to weep.  i have never really seen myself before.  i had never taken off the years of make up that i've used to hide myself away.  as the tears wash away the film that has distorted my vision, life comes fully into focus.  not the life i had created, but the life that truly exists before me.  i take one step forward.  it's all i can muster.  but it's one step closer to who i'm supposed to be.