freedom.

you think that if you are free you will no longer be tethered to responsibility.  in actuality, you will be forced to witness your own actions and stand alone in their repercussions.  freedom comes with a price, and one that you are willing to pay until you reach such a deep deficit you wish you could give it back.  what you really desire is to be free from your conscience.  so, take your freedom.  try it out.  let me know how it feels.  when you're wading out in the worrisome waters alone, you will be wishing you had traded in your misinterpreted "freedom" for stability.  to be free does not mean to be free from guilt, to be free from consequence, to be free from your thoughts.  to be free is to live a life founded in reality and swept up in magic.  freedom is living into who you know you're supposed to be and basking in its vulnerability.  i am free.  i wish you'd join me. 

movement.

as the days draw to a close, and the moon shines high above our heads, i am excited to drift off into dream land and let my imagination run rampant while my body restores itself for the oncoming hours of sunlight.  everyday there is some struggle, yet everyday there is some miracle to match.  we try to create patterns and find stability in routine, yet the moments that affect us the most are usually unplanned and a complete surprise.  you were unplanned and a complete surprise.  all the hours that have accumulated getting to know you, yet in this instance i feel as though you're someone i've just barely been allowed to understand.  somehow in the distance that's wedged its way between us, a trust has grown.  perhaps it doesn't feel like every decision holds the weight of the world anymore.  i slide one step further, and i can see the ice is growing very thin.  the crisp cutting cold of the sleepless water beneath my feet dances dangerously, reminding me of the fierce fate flowing directly below.  but when i take my eyes off my fear, and put them on you the roaring rush falls away and a subtle silence replaces it.  one step at a time.  not too much pressure.  carefully and meticulously travel in the direction of your dream.  so i keep my eyes ahead, and my body begins to ease its way into an unpredictable yet consistent forward motion, knowing one day i will be part of your promise. 

alone, but not lonely.

i am alone, but i'm not lonely.  i was never sure i'd understand what that meant, but now i do.  the task of loving myself is still work, but i stand here breathing in the nervous butterflies of a brilliantly bright future with no plans.  for the first time, i am asking me to love myself.  not just parts of myself, all of myself.  i have loved many with all of my heart and soul, and i'd like to do that for me.  i fall in love all the time and it's my favorite feeling in the world, but for the first time i feel good crawling into my bed at night with a happy heart and calm conscience.  i have often confused chaos with love.  and let me tell you sometimes they are one in the same.  but i finally see the world through a crystal clear lens of independence.  relationships will test you.  they will expose your rawest nerves.  they will flaunt your greatest insecurities, yet without them you wouldn't even know you needed the time and space to heal and grow.  so to everyone who has graciously given me their time and their love, and to everyone i have joyously shared myself with, thank you.  life is a beautifully broken and treacherous journey at times, but being strong on your own only makes you the perfect person to take on the world with together. 

focus.

there's something exciting about new beginnings that breathe life into an otherwise bleak situation.  i crave routine and consistency yet love nothing more than adventuring into the abyss with my hand tucked into yours.  to end up lost in a town that has no meaning, except now it reminds me of you.  the gray sky is beautiful and our laughter gets swallowed up by the lake shore breeze as we pretend not to be nervous.  even if all we share is this brief moment in time, i am grateful for the opportunity to smile at something unexpected.  i let go of an idea and in rushes the reality that is floating just ahead.  each moment materializes and my heart begins to race with endless possibility.  you're face is just out of focus, just out of reach for my mind, but i know one day you'll be looking at me the same way i already know i look at you.