words.

most people fling words around like they have no meaning.  you on the other hand hold them so tightly it's as if the only way to part the space between your lips is to insult you.  i just want to know your mind.  you won't run out of words i promise.  as mindless as it is to breathe, it is to speak.  i truly appreciate your steadfast ways of utilizing language yet i yearn to understand the inner workings of your brain.  i watch beautiful images dance behind your eyes and want to be given the chance to see everything as you do.  try me.  i promise i won't hurt your world, i just want a chance to be part of it.  i'm a visitor.  i'm not moving in.  i can't own or steal your thoughts, i just want to feel the things you feel and never share.  it's not healthy you know, holding onto it the way you do.  you're suffocating yourself, though it feels like the world is suffocating you. 

something more.

there's more than meets the eye.  always. 
what is said is most likely not what is meant.  so, read between the lines.  
it's a balancing act of reading your mind, yet not assuming anything because i could always be wrong.  but am i wrong?  probably not.  which to be honest is my biggest fear, because then i'm just pulling the wool over my own eyes... convincing myself it isn't what it seems.  the facts in front of me were formed out of fear, not love.  or were they?  i should know better.  but i don't because the circumstances change like water and it never stands still long enough for me to get a handle on it. 
so i trip and fall down.  again and again and again and again and again.  it's tiring.  but i'll get back up.  the question is this time will you be standing in the future?  there's a small part of me that just hopes you're not.  then it isn't me who couldn't handle the fall out, it was you.  i'm not sure why, but somehow that feels better.  and then i remember the feeling in the early morning as dawn is breaking.  in a deep slumber with unadulterated thoughts you reach out under the covers and draw me into your chest and we begin to breathe as one.  and it's the feeling that has me hooked on you like a drug deep in my veins that i can't live without.  but the drug doesn't feel anything... just the person who uses it.  

certainty.

to be unsure is to be certain.
to be certain is to lie. 
but to lie is to be found in the midst of an unknown state of mind.  today i like it.  tomorrow not at all.  but it was the truth when i said it.  so just know that.
moments are fleeting instances that pass and then they're gone.  so let them go, don't try to hold them.  they will join the other moments in the sky casting a cloud over your city.  you'll exhaust yourself chasing the shadows of an idea, so witness them and let them slip through your fingers.  find what is real.  fate is ours.  so just wait a moment, i'll dance down the road and into your soul.

tomorrow.

'i remembered him and i felt his presence in my existence.  he was my secret, tomorrow and always.  i’m mad i ever had to share him with the world.  nothing made sense unless i saw it through his eyes.  but through his eyes was the only way i wanted to witness the world.  colors exploded across the sky, and a symphony of sounds came together to be the soundtrack to my life.  and lowly in the background i could always hear him whisper.  i am you.  you are me.  tripping into a tomorrow that we would never actually hold.  but my heart beats of you, and the fabric of my life will forever drape its soft surroundings, keeping me safe beneath the sun, moon and stars.' 

- a little excerpt from a project near and dear to me

up.

left.  right.  left.  right.  left.  right. 

up. 

wait what?  

up, look up.  pause.  stop.  breathe.  sigh.  

routines die hard, and love takes time.   but i promise it's worth it.  embrace the anxiety as it comes and goes as it pleases.  love the moments that make no sense.  find hope in nothing but the fact that the sun rose today, and the moon will follow.  soak up the energy of the touch of another human's arms wrapped around you, it's a reflection of His grace.  nothing is by accident, and together we make one picture.  sometimes we need to slow down and gain perspective.  we get so focused on what is right in front of us.  expand your mind, challenge yourself to look at it from an aerial view.  

whoa.  it looks so different.  

if you do these things, which only take moments, you will find the freedom to choose.  choose whatever it is you want to feel, wherever it is you want to go, whoever it is you want to see.  life is beautiful, even if sometimes it's too dark to see it.  if you can't do it for you, be the star to light the way for someone else... in doing so you'll also find yourself. 

remember this.

memories move and manipulate this man made reality.  

to remember - or more accurately misremember - the events that, i would say, have shaped me and my life.  but i feel okay about it, because my memories are my own and they are there to serve me. 

there are memories burned so deeply into my consciousness i can remember every detail everyday... the way it smelled, how he looked, the way it felt the first time he ran his fingers over my face, the shock of electricity that trickled through my body when his lips touched mine.  

and there are other moments that people tell me i was there for that i can't remember my own existence.  

life is a journey, a collection of things, of moments and from that collection we make memories.  and when we look back and watch the pictures replay in our minds we can enjoy each moment again as if it's new.  because as we play it back, we have learned and grown and changed and nothing is ever the same twice.  

be a witness to your own life.  enjoy each kiss like it's the first time, because really... it is.  

ashes.

i have fallen to ashes and honestly nothing i cling to resembles who i am today.  it hurts.  a lot.  as i feel my way through the darkness i am praying for light to come from any direction so i can start heading toward it.  but, i can't see anything in the pitch black abyss.  

faith.  blind faith. 

but is faith so blind when i can feel it.  just because i can't see it or tangibly hold it doesn't mean it's not real, right?  

love isn't a thing you can hold or touch, but it's a human experience we all crave to participate in.  

as my particles begin to reassemble, in a way i never thought they would, i can feel my dust swirling.  hope, as if air, is being pumped into my nonexistent body and suddenly i start to glitter.  i can't see further than one step ahead of me, but that's all i need.